dirt and rust and broken whispers

No I did not die

2009-03-21T16:20:00.000-04:00

Shocking I know. I've been insanely busy! So here is my update.
1)My boyfriend has moved in with me. In august we are moving from Ontario to British Columbia. And we are planning on getting married!
2)I have a new job. I do technical support for a long distance telephone company. I was just up for a management position but got passed over for someone in the 'cool group'. My work place is like high school. SO MUCH DRAMA! I also work 45 hrs. a week plus i usually work overtime.
3) I have no life. And from this point on I am going to have one or I'm a monkey's uncle b/c I NEED it. My birhtday is coming up so I'm planning a casino themed party. I've never been one for birthdays but this year I said screw it ... lets do it up! and so I will.

And that is my 5 second update. I promise that from now on I will be around more. I miss you guys!

Craziness in the Nation's Capital

2008-12-10T12:28:00.001-05:00

There have been some pretty crazy developments here lately.
First of all we had an insane winter storm yesterday and overnight last night. We got about 40-50 cm of snow (15-20 inches), freezing rain, hail, oh and it felt like -22 with the windchill! That's about -8 Fahrenheit. So it was not fun to say the least. Well we will sure be having a white christmas this year.
Secondly OC Transpo, our public bus system, went on strike. So I'm home from work today. I have adds on a million carpooling websites. But the problem is that there are tons of people wanting drives but very few offering. I might have a few options for thursday and friday. Or I might be sitting at home making no money. There is no way I can walk or take a cab ... it would be at least $25 one way. Also I can't drive and our family car's transmission is dead.
Some background info on why this strike is even worse than the above mentioned reasons. Yesterday I quit my job. But, and that's a mighty big but, I don't have a job to go to. I have some prospects but nothing for sure. I just could not deal with the debilitating stress anymore. So with the bus strike. I don't have a way into work which means I don't get paid coming up to christmas and a soon to be jobless period. I also can't go apply to jobs or get to interviews without the buses. So I'm stuck at home stewing on how much this sucks right now.

Cross your fingers that the city and the transit union come to their egotistical, greedy senses and solve this problem asap!

New Beginnings...

2008-12-04T22:47:00.001-05:00

I hope. I had a job interview to be a manager in training at a local gym. She said I should hear from her by Monday. It seems like the perfect job! I really really hope i get it. It would be a hell of a lot better than the place I am now. There would actually be a possibility of a raise! or a promotion. So I'm crossing my fingers and living in anticipation till i hear back. eek!

On another happy note my best girlfriend 'C' and I had a dinner and a movie date tonight. We went to see Twilight. It's soooo good :) I had read the book awhile ago (before all the crazy hype) and really enjoyed it. Writing was maybe a bit lacking but her storytelling was excellent. I think they did a really good job of making the movie. I was really impressed with the cinematography and the music. They played Ben Harper and Iron & Wine. I was practically giddy with excitement over the Iron & Wine :) Yay for Indie music making it big! Devendra Banhart's Lover was practically the theme song for Nick & Norah's infinite playlist. My girl friend got pissed b/c i was singing along in the theatre. tehe

Sam Beam aka Iron & Wine on the left and Devendra Banhart on the right.

Have I mentioned I TOTALLY have thing for long-haired bearded men? lol.

2008-11-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

Life is so damn confusing lately. I don't know what I want or what I should want. I feel a lot of frustration lately and that in and of itself makes me feel guilty. I've been having a fair number of health concerns of late. Nothing serious individually but when you add up all the little things it certainly feels like my body is betraying me. It's really hard for me to feel that way. I've always been very connected to my physical body ... it's frustrating to not be able to fix it all instantly. Also living with anxiety and depression makes the motivation to get up and fix things hard to come by. I would much rather sleep an extra 30 minutes in the morning than get up and make myself proper food and do yoga. Which if course makes me feel guilty. People are right when they talk about vicious circles.

On top of feeling unhealthy I am also fairly unhappy at work. I had another girl quit so now I am literally the only admin staff member as well as the only full time yoga teacher. It makes me want to pull all my hair out! I should mention i make a whopping $11 an hour so i definitely fall below the poverty line while trying to manage a business i have no authority over. Talk about frustration! I desperately want to quit but am having trouble finding the courage.

So this is my new prayer ... my new quest. Courage. where do people find the courage to stand up and be honest with themselves. where do i find the courage to be truthful to myself?

We're from the country and we like it that way

2008-11-06T22:53:00.000-05:00

I'm from our good Nation's Capital and I like it that way. My Grease Monkey recently got transferred to London, Ontario and it sucks ass! It was very sudden and very much in the realm of getting screwed over. I highly doubt it followed any labour laws. He went down for a meeting with his District Manager about possibly moving down if he couldn't find a place to live. They informed him that he started the next day, granted he got a promotion out of it. But I still HATE it! I miss him so much. We've decided that there is no chance of us breaking up over it. He's going to find a way to come back. One of our options was me moving to London. But I just can't do it. We toyed with the idea of moving to BC. I'd prefer that option to London but I still don't know if I can do it. All of my family and friends are here. People make up such a huge part of my life .. I'm afraid I would feel too isolated. I feel a bit guilty for making him do all the moving about for me. Ottawa is my city, it's isn't hisOur sorta-solution?

Webcam!

Behold my first attempts to figure out how to use it ;)

Worked out pretty good me thinks! Now how to master actual videos. haha :D wish me luck in tech land peoples .. i'm outa my depth here.

WInter in October

2008-10-29T23:21:00.000-04:00

We had a crazy storm last night. First Storm of winter! .. it's only October y'all! ahhh! we got between 15 and 30 cm ... approx 2 inches. Man was it cold and blustery on my way to work this morning. It reminds me of my childhood. When Halloween costumes were made big enough to fit over snow suits. We lived out in the country so we drove from house to house to Trick or Treat. I can remember the pop cans rolling around in the back seat of the car. Can you believe people used to give out cans of pop?! Can I have summer back? I miss the warmth terribly. But on the bright side I loooooove Halloween! woo hoo! best holiday ever!

Sensitive to Cussing? well don't read this post baby

2008-10-28T23:30:00.000-04:00

This past weekend/week has been one giant cluster fuck from the universe! And not just for me either! It's been madness. Firstly Grease Monkey's roommate is a bitch and decided to give him the boot so we've been in a mad panic to find him an apartment in about 2 weeks. It didn't happen but he does have a place to stay for a month. Hopefully we can find him something by then. Otherwise he's moving to B.C. which I can not handle right now. I finally find a good man, the universe can not be that cruel. I refuse to allow it (cus clearly the universe does exactly what i tell it to)

My work friends have been equally fucked up the ass recently. First on saturday D got pulled over on her way in. She was driving on a suspended license (because she had to get to work to pay the damn fines) so she got in hot water and I had to cancel her appointments for the morning. Trust me massage clients aren't happy when they get to their appointment and their therapist isn't there. She might be very well royally screwed and loose her license ... meaning she can't work and we loose business because we are already under staffed.

Then today C got into a car accident with his girlfriend. So he's obviously shaken up and was not at work. Oh and R quit on Friday night so I have to pick up the slack. I'll have to take her Monday night class and work till 9pm. Plus Fridays I'll now be the only admin staff all day working 11-6 ish. oy!

See cluster fuck! arrrggggg

Monday Again?

2008-10-20T22:10:00.000-04:00

yeah i can't believe it either, the weekend goes way too fast. Especially since I have a wonderful new man to spend it with. My Grease Monkey sure makes me smile (he's a mechanic by the way lol). He met my family over thanksgiving and it went really well ... their craziness didn't scare him away so i guess he's a keeper. wink wink.

i worked a long shift today because i had to substitute a class for a co-worker. she was at a doula workshop so i was more than willing to help out ... except that the class runs till 9. 9! wow am i ever tired. i'm contemplating movign on from my current place. I've been there well over a year now and i've definitely hit the glass ceiling. And trust me .. capping out at $11/hr sucks hard. i've gotten so much experience and knowledge from working there and i love my co-workers so it will definitely be hard. that being said the job hunt starts now! woo hoo .... eep.

and in other news i did get my meds checked. seems like my body has adapted to them. so the plan is to ween off them and then start a new drug to see how that goes. so if i seem bitchy it's because i have no paxil and am dizzy. ;)

that's all for now folks!

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-10-13T12:27:00.001-04:00

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

Is it bad?

2008-09-28T22:09:00.000-04:00

Is it bad to feel ... uncertain of how you feel? I pride myself on being fairly self-aware. I try very hard to cultivate a mind-body awareness and to teach it to my students. But lately, man do i ever feel out of touch. I don't even have the impetus to even try to meditate. I know it will probably help and I'll feel better for having tried but I feel weighted down. I sincerely hope that it's not depression rearing it's ugly head again. I think I'll make an appointment to have my meds evaluated. But somehow I feel it may be different. I am confused with my own emotions. Do i love my job or do i dread it? Which man does my heart tell me to go after? I have no clue and I think that makes it worse. It makes me sad. Maybe one day .. hopefully someday soon I'll figure out what my heart wants. Cus damn it I would really like to know.

Fall days already

2008-09-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe it's mid september. The days go by so quickly. Life has been very overwhelming lately. I've taken the past few days off to stave off a cold and try and get things into perspective. And actually writing that i just realized I have laundry in the wash that I completely forgot about. I swear lately I have no memory. It's as if my friends' placenta brain is catching. I bought a planner/daily organizer. Never before have i needed one and now i even forget to write things down so i can remember them later. Hopefully fall will help with a new beginning. Clear out the cobwebs. Fall is all about destruction as change. Crisp cool winds blowing away the old. Hopefully it blows out the cotton between my ears.

Jolie

2008-08-26T23:46:00.000-04:00

I have the lyrics of a Jolie Holland song rolling around in my head. Mad Tom of Bedlam. It seems very old fashioned to me, like dusty bibles and creaky floorboards. Beautiful in it's rusticness. So here are the lyrics. And go google her to take a listen.

To see Mad Tom of Bedlam
Ten thousand miles I've travelled
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes
To save her shoes from gravel

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

I went down to Satan's kitchen
For to break my fast one morning
And there I got souls popping hot
All on the spits a-turnin'

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

They' spirits got hot as lightning
Did on that journey guide me
The sun did shake and the pale moon quake
Wherever they did spy me

Yet it's well that we sing bonny boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

My staff has murdered giants
And my pack a long knife carries
For to slice mince pies from children's thighs
From which to feed the faeries
It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money
Tonight I'll go a murderin'
The man in the moon to a powder
His dog I'll shake and his staff I'll break
And I'll howl a wee bit louder

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

To see Mad Tom of Bedlam
Ten thousand miles I've travelled
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes
To save her shoes from gravel
It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

Busy days

2008-08-06T00:02:00.000-04:00

*sigh* what I wouldn't give for a laxy afternoon. one where i didn't feel guilty for slacking off. like has been very busy lately. not in a bad way. days have been filled with friends and work. this last weekend was a bit rough. going through an off patch with my roommate. i've been dating recently and she's been very judgemental. sometimes i really don't get where she's coming from. i mean usually i'm pretty good with empathy. but i just don't get it. i've been using a dating site called plenty of fish. I find it hard to find men. I do, she thinks i shouldn't .. I don't know what world she live in. She thinks online dating is super dangerous. which i readily admit to. but how is me going out on a date with someone from the internet all that different than her bringing a guy home from a university event and sleeping with him the first night? just because you meet someone in person doesn't automatically make them safe. anyone at any time can lie to you. it just makes me mad that she is so judgemental. she's the 'pretty one' and has guys falling over her. so it sucks she's judgemental for me using the only means i have to find guys. now i'll be honest i think i'm pretty good looking so i don't really get why i don't get approached but that's the way it is. *phew* okay now the rant is done.

Updates from My Life

2008-07-29T22:28:00.000-04:00

Gosh it's been a long time. Just haven't been much up for blogging lately. But by gosh I'm going to start up again. I say that now at least.

Yoga has been going great guns lately. Lots of Prenatal students and tons of new classes for me to teach. I love having students you get to see all the time and really connect with. We're slowly building our pre and post natal program and it's really exciting.

I've had some health concerns lately but they are definitely starting to look up. I was severely anemic for awhile, I just couldn't figure out why I was sleeping 12 hours and was still totally exhausted. Well it turns out that when you have no iron in your blood and therefore very little haemoglobin or oxygen in your blood stream that kinda happens. Sheesh I was such a wreck. But I'm now in iron pills so that's getting better. Plus at this time I was having weird spinal problems. I have scoliosis and I'm hypermobile (aka double jointed) so I had a few ribs popping out of place. Which let me tell you hurts like a fucker. It's ridiculous how much a little rib can hurt. So now I'm back to spending enormous amounts at the chiropractor to keep those suckers attached to me. tehe.

Hmm what else? I'm planning a weekend to Montreal in a few weekends. I have a friend who lives there with his fiancee and they are letting me stay with them. I can't wait to see him. It's been nearly a year since I last saw him. And you gotta keep your dancer friends :) We might film a duet in the metro station ... don't worry I'll totally post it if that happens.

Goodnight all!

Minwaashin Lodge Women's Gathering

2008-06-12T19:33:00.000-04:00

Hey all! i'm baaaack. *giggles*

I just the most absolutely amazing weekend ever. Here in Ottawa there is an aboriginal women's support centre called Minwaashin Lodge. Every year there is a huge women's gathering. It was just this past weekend and boy was it incredible. It had tons of traditional things to do. Drumming and singing circles, sweat lodges, crafts (quill earrings, dream catchers), sacred fire, elder teachings. It was a pretty break through weekend personally. During a mandala workshop the image of a wild horse running came to my mind. One of the facilitators later made a comment that horses aren't afraid of their own power. Boy did the tears flow. I realized that i don't embrace my own power and i am damn well going to start. so there. :D

2008-05-25T00:03:00.000-04:00

I've been a bit (okay alot) out of touch with blog world lately. I've moved into a friend's place for a couple of months and for some reason can't pick up wireless in her place. So I only come online when I get a break at work or use my roomie's computer. I miss you guys! Life is touch and go but for the most part i'm hangin' in. For tonight I'm going to curl up with my Mary Higgins Clark novel and sleep in my comfie new queen sized bed! hurray for big beds, i just upgraded and i loooove it! i get to stretch ooooouuuuutttt :D :D :D I am totally sleeping diagonally across the bed, so much fun. okay enough talk of that delicious bed ... i'm going to go get in it!

2008-04-24T23:45:00.000-04:00

Ahhh big breaths! or not. you know spring is here when you smell skunk. yay *rolls eyes* but in all seriousness I'm unbelievably happy that warm weather is here. I strongly dislike being cold. And sandals? thank heavens. Any excuse to wear my birks and i'm happy. I've been crazily busy with work lately. It's like there has been a steady trend towards everyone quiting and we're so understaffed. But amazingly, I still feel fantastic. A bit of anxiety but absolutely no sign of depression or sadness or anything remotely not positive. Which makes me want to practically sing with joy. I still wish for a fairy tale to come wisk me away but ya know what? I feel like I'm halfway there. I'm going to make my own fairy tale gosh darn it and it will be fabulous. like me. *wink wink* Diligent Happiness as a certain wise lady says (Elizabeth Gilbert, go look her up). Big smiles all around people!

2008-04-06T23:36:00.001-04:00

Today I hurt everywhere! Yesterday I went rock climbing and while I had a super amazingly fun time, today my whole body aches. And to top off that I had a full day of learning how to give thai massage. ow. would it be bad to take a bath in tiger balm? lol. harumph

2008-04-01T23:23:00.000-04:00

I have only one thing to say today. It may be petty and small but I'm saying it anyway. And loudly too.

Damn you Robert Mugabe, damn you.

2008-03-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

okay i'm done crying. so i'm not seeing the frenchman anymore. whatevs. can't change the facts of what is so you might as well roll with it. it didn't work out and that's life. there are plenty of good things happening. my classes have been going remarkably smooth lately (knock on wood). I am going to party this weekend and I don't care what anyone says I plan on getting wasted. I can't remember the last time I got drunk and you only turn 21 once (legal age here is 19 by the by). I got the absolute best birthday present ever. It's a beautiful Deep Red Epiphone Les Paul Special electric guitar!!! I'm freaking out! Cause it's so bloody fabulous.

2008-03-22T23:52:00.000-04:00

I feel like an idiot. As I mentioned before I've started seeing this guy,we'll call him the Frenchman, and so far it's been going well. We were getting along famously. Or at least I thought so. We were both being good about talking openly (huge for me) and he had openly admitted to wanting to be with me. And that felt fabulous, we had great chemistry. Yes you are right I am writing in the past tense. Because now I'm not so sure. The Frenchman and I live a good distance (about 2 hours) away from each other and find it difficult to see one another as often as we'd like. I was starting to fall big time and then *snap* like a rubber band breaking reality comes whipping back. I haven't talked to him in a week and I feel as though he's avoiding me. Trust me my confidence is majorly foundering. I have this ache inside me that usually I barely feel, if at all. But lately this ache has been getting worse. The Frenchman made me realize the ache was still there. I thought maybe he could make that ache go away but now it seems like some cruel joke. The Universe wants me to remember that deeply rooted seed of want; wanting to be loved, and yet the Universe definitely doesn't want that ache to be mended. Or at least that's how it feels right now. It may all be silliness, he may just be busy or what have you. But right now I'm hurting. And I dislike hurting.

Ai mami!

2008-03-20T00:04:00.000-04:00

Spring has sprung ... and guess what that means......

1. i get to wear my rubber boots! :)
2. my birthday is soon
3.it's raining and there is mud (granted under like 5 feet of snow)
4.I can start thinking about parties and dresses and gardening
5.flowers and chai and the smell of wet grass

oh dear i've gotta stop i'm getting way ahead of myself. but soon people! soon!

A sleepless monday

2008-03-18T01:40:00.000-04:00

Somewhere inside of me there is dam. It feels as though my thoughts are stunted. A wall has been built in my mind. I can see past, knowing beyond it are wondrous things I can only imagine. And yet. Oh and yet I can't get past it. My mind swirls with knowledge and opinions longing to be expressed. And yet. My words become jumbled and I can only look on helplessly as these strange phrases are digested. I want to mold my world as I would a block of clay. My mind's eye can see the outcome that my hands cannot create. Frustrated I know I must let go of everything in order to have success. And yet....

book meme! i steal from deb too oft' me thinks

2008-03-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

1.check! book is Beyond the Horizon by Colin Angus (it's about his journey to circumnavigate the globe using only human power)
2.okay done
3.From now on, I would pitch my tent almost every day to maximize my progress.
4.The discomfort of the extreme cold would be great, but that's why we had asked outdoor companies to sponsor us with their highest-quality cold-weather gear. Besides, only by sticking to a more steady schedule could we exit Russia before our visas expired. At seven the next morning, as the snow-blanketed land began to emit a diffuse glow, I said goodbye to my expedition colleagues and began my 4,000-kilomtre journey to Irkutsk.
5.tag yourself ... cus it's more fun that way. :)

This week's Horoscope...

2008-03-05T22:09:00.000-05:00

ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is Celebrate Your Broken Heart Week, Aries. Even if your heart's not exactly shattered at the moment, it has no doubt been so at sometime in the past. So why celebrate? Because having a broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you. It strengthens your humility, which makes you smarter. It demonstrates to you that you have a tremendous capacity for deep feelings -- far more than you're normally aware of. It breaks down defense mechanisms that have desensitized you to the world's secret beauty. It should also inspire you to treat other people's hearts with great care, making it more likely you'll be able to create intelligent intimacy in the future. Here's what I conclude: A broken heart is a gift the world gives you to awaken you to the truth about what matters to you most.

That one certainly hits close to home. It puls up those little heart pangs; the ones I'm too afraid to let out. Because I'm scared noone will be there to catch me. But buck-up bhavana! you can catch yourself! Maybe if I say it loud enough it will start to be true? But in all seriouslness it makes a very good point. There is beauty in everything and boy have I ever learned alot about myself lately. *sings annoyingly yet still cutely* keep on swimming, keep on swimming. tehe

2008-03-04T23:03:00.000-05:00

Life is a funny thing. In my class tonight I was trying to teach connection. By using your breath and dropping down into your physical body you can connect to who you are as a being/person. In my classes I want so much for my students to 'get it.' To really understand things about themselves and have those 'aha' moments. But I just can't make them understand. I have to start actively 'offering' my teachings. If the students are ready for those teachings then they'll get there. If they aren't ready in their own personal journey to receive the information i'm providing then that is just what it is. Letting go is so hard for me. It's not my journey, it's theirs let them do it theirselves. I just want to do it all for other people and ignore my own shit. Yet at the same time I really want respect from my peers/'superiors'. Today has been a rollercoaster. Feeling good and confident in my abilities, learning from the mentoring oportunities i have at work. But on the other hand being really frustrated in my interpersonal relationships with my boss and some of my friends. Sigh! It's just been one of those days I tell ya!

(but that date went so well that i had another on sunday ... so pray this one isn't crazy. lol)

thursday

2008-02-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

I'm so bad at post titles......

Thursday was fantastic. I had a date and I think I can honestly say it was the best I've been on. He was sweet and attentive but not to the point where I felt uncomfortable. We met at 3:30 and I didn't get home until 1am. And the best part was that we literally spent that entire time talking. He was very intelligent and articulate (not even counting he's a french native speaker). I've had butterflies thinking about him all day and I mean really that's the best measure of a date ... or so i think. Plus when I checked my email at work this morning he had emailed me to say he had a great time. So I think it was pretty mutual. yay. finally someone to be excited about. I'll keep y'all updated.

Oscar!

2008-02-24T20:21:00.000-05:00

Well now ... Miss Deb over at Red Show Ramblings always has the most fantastic ideas and memes. I particularly like this one. The would be Oscars. Basically choose a dress, accessories, date etc. that you would wear to the Oscars .. if you could wear anything. It would fit you and look fabulous no matter your body type, colouring, and all that jazz. So here goes....

That would be the dress ... just picture it in antique cream and completely lace, minus the strange swag across the torso and of course keeping the lovely black ribbon. Damn near impossible to find a photo of but this comes close enough.The shoes! enough said i think.
And of course these lovely Deco teardrop earrings.

Devendra Banhart would obviously be my handsome date *sigh*

And of course I'd wear something flowy and bohemian for the after parties. Something completely inappropriate to wear to an Oscars party and it would be fabulous! something maybe like this ....

Now that was fun *grins*

I so love today

2008-02-22T23:00:00.000-05:00

Oh I feel good people! I've been able to shrug off the funk. to M i say f you bitch. I'm my own damn person and i'll be damned if you are going to scare me out of living my life. So on that front everything is fine now. The police helped me sort stuff out and I'm ready to roll. Work was busy but fun. Everybody was in a good mood today, regaling each other with stories of drunken debauchery and David hasselhof youtube videos. Tomorrow is a full day but i'm surprisingly not dreading a saturday shift as much as usual. We'll see how it goes.

Angels

2008-02-18T23:35:00.000-05:00

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright

(chorus)
Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

She dont know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that aint nothing
But to me, yeah me,
Its everything

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, theres a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

(chorus)

-The Black Crows
This song has been in my head lately. It speaks to my lonliness, why or how i have no clue. it just does. I guess today I feel like her. It sounds so beautiful. And I suppose that it makes sense considering some of my views. There is a line in the Mist of Avalon that goes approximately thus: the goddess is in everything; everything beautiful and harrowing. But my heart takes it a step further. There is beauty in everything. Sometimes the harrowing is beauty itself. And I think that that's what I want .... my harrowing beauty to be recognized.

I feel like I'm in Hell

2008-02-11T23:18:00.000-05:00

I don't even believe in Hell yet if there was one this would be it. I haven't been writing much lately, it's been too hard. Last Monday my grandmother passed away. She was 92, the matriarch of our huge family, and very loved. So I have been immensely sad. I was too afraid to put 'pen to paper' as I was afraid that it would make it more real. But I'm accepting it. Now that all the family stuff to be dealt with is well and truly over I can let it sink in. It was her time and I'm actually happy for her. Though it still royally sucks.

Because of my grandmother I had the week off to do the usual funeral stuff. Getting back to work on Sat. and today was rough. Everyone is super supportive but apparently they can't function for shit without me. So it's been very busy, and I have a list of stuff to do tomorrow. Oy.

I've been dealing though.

until....

I get this unbelievable email from a friend of my ex-boyfriend. Now please keep in mind we dated for 4 months only and have been broken up for about 1 month. It's been pretty rough on him apparently. And I admit I didn't handle things the way I should have but all told just saying that you don't know if you love someone and then breaking up with them isn't that bad. He returned gifts I gave him, random things he bought when I was around, basically everything. He has told me that I have destroyed him, he can never love again, and that he's failing university because of me. But this email takes the cake. She said, and I quote "He wants to kill himself and it will be your fault if he does, dont let him do this." (I corrected spelling and grammar so I guess it's not a direct quote)

WHAT THE FUCK!???!!!!!

Can you say emotional blackmail? How does 'he hates you' and 'he wants you back' correlate at all?! I refuse to take that, it's not mine, I will not carry that. Nothing anybody does is because of you, it's because of their own reality. NOw I just have to belive that emotionally. good luck me. fuck! and i was so excited for the Lyle Lovett concert tomorrow. AAAHHH!!!

tuesday in whispers

2008-01-30T00:19:00.000-05:00

i'm getting sick. i woke up this morning with an unbelievably sore throat. and charged into action. vit c, echinecea, jal neti, and extra fibre. for any person curious if you dilute prune juice with water and hold your nose you can conceivably get it down. but as the day progressed i've felt worse and worse. after teaching my class my voice is barely above a whisper. i'm so not looking forward to tomorrow. it is my day off but i still have things to do. first day off in 6 days and i was so excited. but now? blech. and i can't sleep right now so that isn't great either. hopefully i can nip this in the bud .. it took my co-worker for a loop. fingers crossed people!

My Sunday

2008-01-27T20:29:00.000-05:00

Well I spent most of today at work doing a course. It's called The Fundamentals of Energy Healing. It was very good. It was theory of energy healing and philosophy that can be applied to yoga, thai massage, and ayurveda. I was taking it towards my 200 hour certification in Thai Massage. It was amazing. I learnt so much about myself. And ways to deepen my teaching of yoga and better facilitate the healing of others. It took alot out of me though. I feel so very open and susceptible to other's energies. I need to ground myself but am finding it hard. So when I got home and opened an email from the friend of my very infantile ex stating that he wants to talk to me I freaked. Am freaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I do not want to deal with this shit anymore. I am so over him and so wanted to be done with the stress he adds to my life. I don't know what to do. So it went incredibly inspiring and growth filled to really fucking shitty. men suck ... and so does my attitude and i don't fucking care.

Pantera

2008-01-24T23:08:00.000-05:00

For today's thursday Music-a-thon (see see I'm actually posting again!) I choose Pantera. Mostly because I've been reading the March issue of Guitar World Magazine and it's devoted to Dimebag Darrell in anniversary of his death 3 years ago. Dime was one lucky man ... amazing talent. great success. and a woman who loved him. Rita (Dime's girlfriend of 20 yrs.) was on LA Ink recently to get a tattoo in memory of Darrell.

Pantera was a pretty sweet Metal band. In the tradition of true metal bands. With a very riff heavy sounds reminiscent of Van Halen but much harder and grittier. Now in general I don't listen to much metal. I'm mostly a folk rock kinda gal. But for truth I listen to pretty much everything it just all depends on my mood. And metal is so very cathartic. So if you've never given Pantera a chance do so and if you have well rock on!

Empty Mind but Giddy Heart

2008-01-23T23:53:00.000-05:00

I feel good today but have got no inspiration for a lengthly post. So i shall leave you with come link-ly love. I know Deb (red shoe ramblings) will get a kick out of them when she gets back.

Because I'm newly single and I do so love a bearded man (lumberjacks? oh yay)

www.myspace.com/beardsforpeace

www.myspace.com/womenforbeards

enjoy!

Interstitial vs. Extracellular

2008-01-21T23:55:00.000-05:00

Interstitial fluid is a solution which bathes and surrounds the cells of multicellular animals. It is the main component of the extracellular fluid, which also includes plasma and transcellular fluid.
On average, a person has about 11 litres (2.4 imperial gallons) of interstitial fluid providing the cells of the body with nutrients and a means of waste removal. (from wikipedia)

I believe I have stated before how much I love Google. Well I'll say it again. I LOVE Google!! I could not for the life of me remember what the difference between interstitial fluid and extracellular was. There was a big discussion at work and it was decided that I would go search google for the answer. well surprise they're the exact same thing! grrr. All this because I'm reading the text book Anatomy and Physiology for Midwives for fun. It's actually an awesome book. All full of uteruses (uteri?) and placenta and cellular functions. woo hoo! okay so I'm a dork .... no telling!

Ode to the 21st Century ;)

2008-01-16T22:47:00.001-05:00

I have finally joined the rest of the world. Today I got a cell phone. It's purple (one of my favourite colours) and white. very sleek. it's insane what they can put in these things now. It is a cell, and mp3 player, and a camera. woo hoo. now i'm contactible during my hour bus commute to work. yay! i'm so excited .. granted now i have more bills. but still i'm having fun with it.

why oh why?

2008-01-14T23:46:00.001-05:00

I let him in. I happily gave him the amunition. I gave him the power to hurt me. i practically told him what words would hurt the most. not again. screw it. i was meant to be a spinster, a maid in a garrett. i can not imagine ever letting another person that close to my heart ever again. how can one person be so cruel and spiteful to another? i don't understand why people lash out at others in their moments of pain. that's when we should be best at loving another, at being kind because we know the pain.

well fuck him. i take it back. you don't have the power to hurt me anymore. i am me. and you can't touch me. my heart is safe, even if that does mean locked away. you are no longer able to hurt me. i wont let you anymore. bastard.

abagah

2008-01-14T00:14:00.000-05:00

that's right abagah! life is a crap shoot. and it sucks. and i hate hip hop clubs and the fact that ottawa only has hip hop clubs. maybe i should hit up the gay bars .... hmmm. anyway. and i don't want to work tomorrow. i don't like having to be the emotional rock for others while i'm in the midst of a hurricane. i'm pissy and i hate life and that's just how i god damn feel. also i hate men .. specifically one certain man who wont leave me the fuck alone. can you tell i'm not in a good mood. i know hate is a four letter word ... i try to not use it but sometimes you just need to let it out. i can't be perfect all the time.*sigh* i'll meditate and be fine by tomorrow i just needed to get that out.

Healing Mantra

2008-01-11T00:34:00.000-05:00

I feel the need for some healing. some deeply rooted, whole being healing. and i get the feeling that i'm not alone. so here is the healing mantra that I learned from my teacher Chetana Panwar:

Om triambakam yajamahai
sugandeem pushti vardinan
urvarukamiva bandhinan
mrityor mokshya mamritat

ॐ त्रिंबकम याजमहाई
सुगंदीम पुष्टि वर्दिनन
उर्वरुकमिवा बंधिनन
मृत्योर मोक्ष्य माम्रितात

I hate making post titles .. really i do

2008-01-11T00:26:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna do 2 posts for today ... can you believe it?! with the amount I've been blogging lately it truly is shocking. with regards to yesterday .. ugh is all i can say right now. first of all I want to thank Brendan over at www.countmeoutblog.blogspot.com for reinspiring my music posts. With teaching thursday night until 9 I just haven't felt the desire. But NOW I have something totally cool I can tell you all. I'm going to see Lyle Lovett and John Hiat in concert. February 12 my friends. I'm soooo happy. yipee! I love Lyle. Don't ask me why but I just do. "Any old town that I rambled all around, there's more pretty girls than one" I just love that song. So if you haven't before go listen to Lyle Lovett's CD 'It's not big it's large'

At a loss

2008-01-10T00:17:00.000-05:00

I am so confused right now. M and I have been at odds for a couple of weeks now and I feel done. I'm done I don't want to fight with him anymore. He doesn't want to fix any of our problems. He thinks saying 'i love you' will fix everything. He lives in this fantasy world where I'm the perfect woman and we have the perfect relationship. Well surprise buddy we don't and I'm certainly not. All we ever do is sit around and watch tv or movies. And he doesn't listen when I say I want to do more, talk about important things, have a real relationship. He thinks I'm attacking him. I'm so frustrated. Then during our fight he pulls out this little gem 'But I love you, I've been saving up the past two months for an engagement ring' This is supposed to make me feel better!? Emotional Blackmail is what I call it. You don't tell someone you've only been dating for 4 months and who you haven't slept with that you want to get married. It's as if he thinks that if he tells me he loves me enough then I wont leave. But it just makes me more mad.

But my friends keep second guessing me. People who I thought knew me so well ask if I'm making the right decision in breaking up with him. And now I don't know. Just because he's nice and will be hurt doesn't mean I should stay with him. But I feel like they think I should stay (if not necessarily for that reason). But I just feel so done with it. Ahhhh why does this have to be so damn shitty?

Phew the holidays have come to an end

2008-01-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

It's been pretty crazy over here in bhavana-land. Christmas was very busy. I ended up working quite a bit. Including Christmas Eve, which i was not exactly pleased with. M had gone to visit his parents for a few days so the xmas holidays were spent bouncing around between family's houses. It was lovely. I absolutely love spending time with family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins .. they all come out at Christmas time. Then of course it was right back to work.

New Years was of course fast approaching and boy did I ever have plans. I very rarely celebrate New Years, I'm usually too tired or have work. But this year M & I plus a whole bunch of friends planned a trip to Mt.Tremblant, a very popular ski destination in Quebec. We left right after work on New Years Eve and spent a wonderful night in the most gorgeous ski resort/village. It was a strangely old world meets the stepford wives feel. It is beautiful but the entire town in completely fabricated. It isn't so much an actual town as a resort built on the plan of a old renaissance town. We had an amazing time and I would definitely visit again .. but not for very long.

So it's back to work and time to look forward. Life can feel daunting sometimes. Like for instance tomorrow, i have to talk to my boss about some unsafe working conditions. Leaving my yoga class thursday nights and being the only staff member around to close up at 9 is just not safe. And I feel very uncomfortable about it. So that's my big 'must do' for tomorrow. Crossing fingers that it will go smoothly.

Well it's off to bed for me ladies and gents .. hope you all had a happy new year!

2007-12-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's so funny. I had so much planned to say but then i finally get to sit down to write and the big blank white screen scares away all of my ideas. But since all of my fantabulous ideas have flown away I guess I'll just tell y'all about my weekend. Which was great. I worked Saturday as per usual and then we went to M's staff christmas party. It was great though he works at a gym so you can imagine the guys he works with. Then Sunday was at my parents' place. The 4 of us decorated the tree and made a gingerbread house. It was the perfect pre-christmas weekend. I even kind of enjoyed the huge snow storm we had. There is so much snow here! There are some snow drifts that are knee deep. We had to dig out 2 cars on sunday. Plows are still out on Monday night getting rid of all the snow. Pictures will be coming, I just have to get batteries for the camera. I got some awesome shots of the snow ... and our super awesome gingerbread house of course.

Wednesday's contemplations

2007-12-12T23:58:00.000-05:00

It's hard to describe my life right now. It seems so dark and hidey-holey (psh that so makes sense, shush. tehe) Yet there are bits of it that shine. Parts of my life seem perfect. I have an amazing who loves me, even in his emails I can feel his warmth. I sit at my computer alone and feeling lonely look down at the big woolly socks M bought me and feel near giddy with pleasure. That to me is love. But oh there are parts of me that are so unsatisfied with my life. My job is frustrating lately, money troubles have got me down, and i want to move. i feel listless, restless. i'm not good at being happy and settled. i've always got to mix it up. move about. gypsy blood is egging me on. i can't decide if i want to scream or hide in bed forever. Now this is an established pattern for me and I need to learn how to get around it this time with minimal casualties. I blew of a massage and an interview today because I'd rather be asleep. Last time this happened I got in serious trouble at work and the time before that I spent two weeks in bed and dropped out of university. So this really needs to be nipped in the bud. Maybe my new man will help me out. fingers crossed.

Confessions

2007-12-04T23:43:00.000-05:00

I have a totally random confession to make .... I am addicted to LL Bean. Seriously. I live in Canada but totally want to move to New England just so I can wear all LL Bean and use the fun gadgets. I also become ridiculously excited when the catalogues come in the mail. And they come alot. One even had a fleece fabric swatch! Also my grandmother and I apparently share the same odd love of the LL Bean catalogue. oh man. My Nanny people! I feel like i belong in a cabin with a bottle tree, a shotgun, and lots of cats. That sounds rather appealing actually. Well minus the shotgun but a broom to shoo 'youngins' will do nicely.

please not this is not my picture ... all hail the google image search

Ahh Today

2007-12-03T22:51:00.000-05:00

Today is just a day, in a long line of days. And I am finally living those days at least partially in the present. Because of course being totally 'present' is very hard. But I'm trying. And it's going well. So I figured it was time for a little update. What exactly has bhavana been doing to keep her away from blogging? Well blizzards for one. We have soooooo much snow and it's supposed to be our coldest winter in 15 years. yikes! I'm now teaching 6 classes a week. 6 can you believe it?! And of course there is finding time to spend with M and do house work. Not to mention trying to fit some sort of creative pursuit in there somewhere. It's December! And that means Christmas. I've already started shopping. I usually don't start until about the 15th and am always rushing about. I guess all this snow is really getting me into the xmas spirit, and that is just fine by me. *phew* I feel like that was a bit of verbal diarrhea, one long run on sentence that needed to just get out of me. so now you know and my 'i haven't posted a blog' guilt has been assuaged. kidding. sort of.

Dasein

2007-11-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

Dasein - being or existence in the german.

German philosophers have been struggling with this term Dasein. being. what is being? existence? 'i think therefore i am'? really? i don't know about that. what is thinking? is it the hallmark of sentience or is it being self-aware? my rose is alive but does it think? i have no idea actually. just because it is plant doesn't mean it isn't plant life. or that our definition of thought is accurate. my rose could very well be planning universal domination but i would never know. what is this state of being in which we live? In Hinduism we believe that absolutely everything in connected, is the same, because everything has a piece of god (Brahman) in it [this piece of god in us is called Atman or the soul in lay-man's terms]. When we die 'we,' our Atman, is united with Brahman. What we identify as 'me,' our ego, is just the device through which the Atman experiences life. But what is this life? Is it possible that Brahman experiences other forms of life that we cannot even comprehend in other realities? AHHH too many questions! haha to be certain we can never really know all the answers but we can know what we believe.

SNOW!

2007-11-16T19:16:00.000-05:00

It snowed today. Finally. It's mid november already. I remember Halloween's as a kid being bundled into snowsuits because it was cold and snowing. But now, oh now, we are praying for white christmases. Talk about global warming. Now I know it's a hot topic right now but it needs to be addressed. People are jumping on the 'green' bandwagon left and right. There is a part of me jumping for joy at this yelling 'Yay! Finally!' at the top of my lungs. But there is a tiny part that says 'fakers' I kinda liked being the wacky tree-hugger pulling out the canvas bags at the grocery store. I actually like being different and slightly oddball. Now all we need is to get the people to actually understand the 'green' thing and not just jump on because it's the cool thing to do. We need to get them to actually mean it and commit. Yeah the little things are important but in the grand scheme of things Harper not being a dickwad Bush-a-like and actually putting money towards the environment would go alot further than not using plastic bags. Yes we all MUST do our part but the government needs to step up. Stop selling our water, stop cutting down old-growth forest, commit to ethanol, fucking do something already. As you have probably noticed this subject gets me miffed ... and out comes the sailor. arg!

New life [spring 07]

Thursday is a sad day .. no music today

2007-11-15T23:16:00.000-05:00

I have so many thoughts whirling around in this tiny head of mine. There are so many things I could write about. Selfishness versus selflessness. new found love. the benefits of self-discovery. the awe of dance. Yet i have absolutely no desire to put pen to paper (or finger to keys) Maybe it's being vulnerable. Talking about something that matters requires a great deal of strength. And that is something I have been sorely lacking lately. I feel devoid of my inner strength. It's hiding and I want it to come back. My bravery is gone away and I am sad from missing it. Were is the strong, proud woman that I was once? What scarred her away?

one of Those days

2007-11-13T21:26:00.000-05:00

Today is just one of those days. Work just seemed to drag along. Today is one of those days when I really just want to be alone. Or cuddled by my honey ... with NO talking. Right now I wish I lived alone. In a cottage with a nice view of the lake. So I could cuddle-up in a cushy arm chair with some tea and crochet. All by my lonesome. It's always the days when you feel uncomfortable and have that slightly creppy .... mmm crepes ... i actually meant creepy there ... crawly feeling under your skin that stretch out interminably. Today 'symphonic metal' aka operatic heavy metal fits my moods delightfully. Check out Epica if your interested. Otherwise I'm going to back to my lonely crocheting and I'm going to enjoy gosh darn it!

Remembrance Day

2007-11-11T14:19:00.000-05:00

A day of sombre faces and memories, of red felt poppies and tears. A day to honour. But most of all a day to remember those that came before. Those that came and fell.
Remembrance day always makes me think of my Poppy. He did not fight but he trained those that did go over to fight in WWII. I miss him. I love to look at the pictures of our family dressed in their army best. My grandpa, my poppy, uncle kev, uncle bill, uncle teddy. Our family has a proud army history. Though I may be against the wars I still whole heartedly support our troops. In this morning's ceremony on Parliament Hill Rabbi Bulka made an amazing speech. He put it so eloquently that everyone applauded. 'We love our troops' he said. And we do, and we should. Did they not fight for us? For our freedom? To hold up ideals that were not our obligation but our desire to uphold? On this day I Remember and I am thankful to live in Canada.

What is Freedom?

2007-11-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

During my Satsang last night the facilitator asked the group a very interesting question. What is Freedom to you? It was fascinating listening to other people's ideas of what freedom is. Some people mentioned freedom of choice. Others brought up freedom from judgement, both from others and from oneself. Freedom to some is a very tangible thing. Freedom to be yourself, to choose, to do as you will.

When this question was posed my immediate thoughts went to meditation. That brief moment when you are actually meditating and all thoughts have disappeared. Your soul and atman have been temporarily freed from their container. That also brought me to think of my idea of ultimate freedom: union with Brahman. The one yoga sutra that sticks in my mind particularly well is that 'yoga is the stilling of the thought-waves of the mind.' And this stilling of the mind is freedom for me. Being able to leave psychological time, anxieties, worries, thoughts behind.

I'm curious, what do you all think? What does freedom mean to you?

Errand Day

2007-11-02T21:36:00.000-04:00

Usually Fridays are spent at work ... aaalll day long. But today it was errand day. I had to go into work to sub a class but otherwise the day was all mine. *sigh* felt so good :) I finally got myself a bus pass so I don't have to get tickets to get to work. It will make busing much more economical. I went shopping for work clothes. After a year of taking time off for school I was surprised to find all of my work appropriate clothes disappeared. What did I wear before? Apparently one pair of black pants. oh well. uh yeah that's my exciting day for today. no amazing life affirming epiphanies. just life.

Th-Thursday!!

2007-11-01T22:59:00.000-04:00

Before my thursday music-a-thon post I thought I'd tell you all whats up in the life of me. The computer is on the fritz so I'm currently using my semi-working laptop and stolen wireless (I feel bad but if you don't secure your network...). Work is busy as usual. Tonight's class went well and I feel pretty good about it. Last thursday I wiped out and my knee is still purple. Sometimes I can be real klutzy. I finally have a social life; for once in my life I have people to see and things to do. Life is moving along at a good pace. Much of my life has felt like a waiting game or as if I've been in limbo. But now, oh now, I have a life, actual and whole.

So to start my Thursday Music-a-thon I present .....

Jolie Holland http://www.jolieholland.com or http://www.myspace.com/jolieholland

Jolie Holland has a very unique sound. It can be rather difficult to describe. A mix of blues, folk, americana and a heck of a lot more. For some reason it makes me yearn for Tennessee during prohibition, don't ask me why though. If I had any sort of vocal talent I would want to make music like Ms.Holland. The music also evokes images in your mind (there is a specific word for that but I can't figure it out, it's on the tip of my tongue and is driving me crazy) All in all it is gorgeous stuff. so go have a listen.

Ahh life

2007-10-29T23:51:00.000-04:00

My life is crazy, crazy i tell ya! It seems like I'm always on the go lately. From work to play its all so much. It would be nice to have two days off in a row instead of spread throughout the week. It seems like it takes me so long to wind down lately. I suppose more meditation is in order. Wow okay this going to be a really short post but the words just aren't flowing tonight. ah well, there's always tomorrow.

Yay for Glitter!

2007-10-25T00:17:00.000-04:00

So Wednesdays are my day off from work and they are usually pretty mellow. I slept in untill noon today! I feel like a terrible person. Okay not really but I can't sleep now. A friend a haven't seen in months called to see if I wanted to go shopping and to catch up. Of course I want to shop! and no I don't want to buy anything. So basically we went to all the fancy dress stores at the local mall and tried on ballgowns. Glitter and polkadots (i love polkadots) and lace and glam! Oh My! I was in heaven. Except for even the dresses in the petites store were too big. The little russian seamstress lady said that I needed work. I laughed (once we left of course) because I couldn't help but love her. To *S* she says 'you, beautiful' then turns to me and says 'you, you need work' It kills me! Except when I think about how the god-damned smallest size in a petite store doesn't fit me. Stupid genetics. But it was so much fun trying on ankle-length white gowns (i looked like a creepifying dead princess) and the knee-length sparkly affair (i just looked like a slutty disco-ball) I love being a girl .. even as adults we get to play dress-up :D

Arg! The newspaper sucks

2007-10-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

Ya'll are super lucky you get two blogs in one day! Mostly because I'm home all alone today while everybody is at work and I just have to rant. I hate the newspaper. Most of the time at least. I live in Canada's capital, you'd think we would have at least a decent newspaper. Reading today's Ottawa Citizen made me want to cry tears of frustration. First of all the sports section should not come before the actual news 'city' section. I don't give a crap about sports and i'm sure the people who do would be willing to find the section at the back of the paper like in every other respectable newspaper. But my biggest issue is with the 'arts' section. I counted the # of articles and got a whopping 7 articles! For a 6 page section no less. Also I don't think the top movies at the box office or the shameless 'watch this tv program' plug count as art so please change the count of articles to 5. WTF!?!?!! That's disgusting. Are you telling me that a city with the National Arts Centre and over 5 museums plus the National Art Gallery of Canada can only find 5 news worthy arts articles? The comics and Dear Abbey are not art, neither are the 3 pages of adds. The Ottawa Sun, which is our city's half news, half tabloid paper has a better art section. oy! The Capital of Canada should have a better newspaper than that; we should at least be on par with the Toronto Star if not The New York Times. arg!!!

phew okay I'm done now .. not any happier but finished with the rant .. for now.

Words from a Bookworm

2007-10-22T13:04:00.000-04:00

Oh how I love to read so .... This is a book meme (woo hoo!) from the very fabulous Deb at http://debrichardson.com/blog/

1. Hardcover or Paperback, and why?
Hardcover for the most part. They feel so genuine. They give a very satisfied feel when you read them. They have a nice weight in your hands. And they look so beautiful up on the bookshelf.

2. If I were to own a bookshop I would call it...
This is a dream of mine. To own a second-hand and rare bookshop. At this point in time (it may very well change) I think I would call it 'The Book Caravan'

3.My Favourite quote from a book is
"I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry" Elizabeth Bennett To Mr. Darcy. Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

4.The author (alive or deceased) I would love to have lunch with is
Shakespeare. I'm dying to ask him if he really wrote all those amazing plays and to ask if he knew Chaucer.

5.If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except from the SAS survival guide, it would be
Tolkien's Lord of the Rings Trilogy ... all in one book of course.

6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that...
Gets rid of the need for bookmarks. I can never find one when I need it so most of my books are marked with scraps of paper or receipts. I've even used hair elastics and bracelets before.

7. The smell of an old book reminds me of…
Well it doesn't necessarily remind me of anything in particular except for libraries and university but it does give me a most immense sense of well being and love. Book smell is the best smell ever.

8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be…
I hate to be boring but Elizabeth Bennett from Pride & Prejudice. I can't help but be totally enamored of that woman. I also would love to be Morgaine from The Mists of Avalon

9. The most overestimated book of all time is…
Without a doubt Wuthering Heights. I don't get why people like that book let alone read it at all. It's positively terrible, I can't stand the bloody thing

10. I hate it when a book…
Ends before I think it should. If I love a book I want as much information as possible about what happens after the conflict resolution. I hate it when they just end and you want the story to continue.

Hope you liked it. Everyone and anyone should do this meme, just tell me cus I want to read your answers :)

Breathe

2007-10-19T23:22:00.000-04:00

There are times when it feels like your entire day has been run on one breath. And by the time you get to the end of the day you are seriously oxygen depleted. The day just never ends. And by the time you have some spare moments to relax you are already looking forward to the next day. When this happens I always try to make a concerted effort to slow down and take some deep breaths. But to be honest that is really hard. Often times the entire day has passed by before I've caught myself becoming one long run-on sentence. What it all boils down to is an excerise in self-awarness. And that is one hard lesson to learn. On the whole I consider myself to be pretty self-aware. I can readily admit to my faults, to my habits, my process of doing things. But then sometimes that statement seems pretty damn arrogant. I'm no guru, I don't know all there is to know about myself let alone anything else. I've had teachers that could look right through me and see something I certainly never could. It takes time and alot of practice to grow to that kind of Seeing. But I guess that's the point of life, to try, to grow, to practice. It may take a thousand life-times to get there but eventually I'll 'get it'

Thrilling Thursday Music-a-thon - Devendra Banhart

2007-10-18T23:05:00.000-04:00

It's that day again .. thursday! I haven't been that inspired to blog the last couple of days but I can always talk about music *insert goofy grin here* So for this thursday's installment I present you with ....

Devendra Banhart www.myspace.com/devendrabanhart or http://www.devendrabanhart.com/

Devendra is my favourite musician (well tied with David Crosby). The creativity that flows out of this man completely blows my mind. Holy Crap but I love him. His music is folk/hippie music ... with rock, samba,roots elements all mixed in. Devendra's amazing spirit shines like a beacon right through his music. It always makes me smile. And his stage presence is amazing as well. He is currently on tour and I was lucky enough to get to see him in Toronto. The music hall where the concert was held wouldn't let people dance in the aisles so Devendra invited as many people as would fit up onto the stage to dance. Devendra is my one true 'star' and I got to shake the man's hand that night and boogie my but off on stage. That was one true hippie fest let me tell you. So go have a listen and tell me your thoughts on my own personally god of music.

Oh and I should also mention that he is one of the most gorgeous men I have ever seen. please note that neither of these pictures are mine ... all hail the google image search. Haha funniest thing ever ... Charles Manson divided by Orlando Bloom = Devendra Banhart (purely looks-wise people, no nutters here)

Technology is Taking Over!

2007-10-15T23:37:00.000-04:00

I'm of two minds when it comes to 'Technology.' Now on one hand I think inovation is great. Man keeps striving for that next step and if we didn't do that we wouldn't have indoor plumbing or electricity. And I am all for indoor plumbing even if I could live without electricity. I am also seriously addicted to the internet. I would die (figuratively speaking) if I couldn't check facebook or read everybody's blog. The facebook addiction is rather pathetic, it annoys me sometimes but I really do love the stupid thing.

But then on the other hand tech sucks. It seems our entire planet has become ridiculously dependent on it. I often wish I could just move to a cottage in the woods and not deal with it at all. I also have some issues with tech were as it doesn't always work that well for me. For instance I have been known to cause computer crashes, electronic malfunctions, and turn off street lights with my very pressence. It can be highly annoying. Getting into hotel rooms is impossible for me, in fact any key card room is impossible. I used to have to get people to come with me to the computer labs in university so I could get in. So I fully supprt the use of oil lamps and snail mail.

It is very interesting to see the degree to which some people need technology to survive (or so they may think). It makes me wonder what sort of mess we would be in if technology stopped working. There are so many circumstances where that could happen at any time. Its a bit of a scary thought.

When it Rains it Pours

2007-10-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

This has been one crazy weekend! I've been unbelievably busy. On friday I left the house at 8:20 am and got home at midnight. granted i got to shop after work but that still makes for a very long day. and sat was just as busy. Though M and I did have a really good night; work was still well work. Even though my job is fantastic its still a job and i don't think that there is anyone who can say they've never complained about having to work. I finally got a bookcase for my room and am actually getting close to being organised. I think I might be the least organised person ever. At work I can be completely anal about everything being organised but when I get home it all goes down the drain. I just can't be bothered. And then I start feeling overwhelmed. But now that I have everything organized I can start creating again. And I'm so excited for that! Its hard to feel good when the creative juices just aren't flowing. Maybe there is something to Feng Shui after all. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow before I have to work at 5:30 but I fell like I have so many options now. No more laying in bed to try and ignore the physical and mental clutter. Tomorrow looks bright, even if it is rainy outside.

Thrilling Thursday Music-a-thon

2007-10-11T23:41:00.000-04:00

Well as I'm sure I've mentioned before I can't spend a day without music. It's too much a part of me to ever be missing. So from now on, on thursdays (arbitrarily picked because well today is thursday) I will tell you a bit about a band/musician that I love and that you should all feel obliged to check out :D So for my first Thrilling Thursday Music-a-thon I have the pleasure to present to you .... drum roll please (I'm feeling overly dramatic today) .....

Jeff Zentner www.myspace.com/jeffzentner

He's a bit Americana/Indie/Blues/Country aka awesome. His music holds a bit of my soul and articulates it in a way that my meagre words never could. It's so hard to explain. All music seems to hold a piece of me and when you look at all the bits you can see who I am. Jeff's music holds a piece that lately I've been trying to cultivate and bring more to the foreground. It's been a bit too much Scissor Sisters lately. I need to chill. On a front porch in Tennesse. with a cold beer(it would be whisky, it fits better, but i just can't drink the stuff). watching the fireflies flicker in a field of tall grass. making crispy apple pies and cider. mmm.

The benefits of t.v medical dramas

2007-10-09T23:41:00.000-04:00

I love House. It's such an awesome show. I admit that I'm a bit of an addict. And c'mon how cool is Hugh Laurie? He was so funny in Black Adder. But anyway, back to the point. A lot of tonight's episode circled around life after death. And it got me to thinking about all of that jazz. There are so many viewpoints out there. And I really try not to judge and think that maybe everybody is right. What you believe in is what happens to you when you die. That would make sense and is the most politically correct, all encompassing view. But what if that isn't it. What if one group is right and the rest of us aren't? I hate to be mean but I'd be really disappointed if the Christians are right. Mostly because that probably means I'd go to hell. And I very much dislike the idea of hell in general let alone having to go there. I would be seriously upset if there was no reincarnation, no uniting with Brahman for me.

When people have near death experiences they all seem to see different things. Now is that because we all do actually go where our personal beliefs take us? Or is it because there is A) no life after death or B) because there is only one after death; and the people who have these 'near death experiences' aren't actually almost dying so they see what they want to see or what 'god' wants them to see? Ay, dios mia! But there are far too many options and scenarios. And really no way to know. That's why they call it faith i suppose. I try to have faith but sometimes I find it very frustrating. I like science and frankly I want proof. And since that is impossible I'm stuck with faith. It's all rather complicated and annoying really. Well only annoying because I can't get my way. But most of life is like that. It's what makes it worth while. The struggles and the questioning ... it would be boring without all of that.

"God grant me the patience to accept the things I cannot change"

Happy Turkey Day!

2007-10-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

One thing I love about october ... Thanksgiving! And it was the perfect day for it today. We spent the day at the Perth Autumn Studio Tour. Perth is a rural town about an hour away from Ottawa. There were potters, painters, glass artists, photographers, knitters. Most of the studios were in barns or outbuildings.

I purchased a handle-less mug from a wonderfully whimsical potter. Though the piece I selected was of her most 'demure' collection. Her work was generally very colourful and organic in feel.

I also picked up a gorgeous blue glass ॐ pendant. I might even be able to take glass blowing lessons from the artist. I've always wanted to learn glass blowing. That and pottery but every class I've ever signed up for gets canceled. One day! She has some pretty great stuff so I'm looking forward to learning from her.

The day was much enjoyed. It has got me in quite the creative mood. Over the next week I think I'll be able to get back into my carving and jewelry making. And that is long over due.

We had our turkey dinner tonight. When we got home we discovered that our smoke alarm had been going for over 4 hours! Many of our neighbours tried to break into the house but figured as they didn't see any smoke it was just the turkey. Which of course it was. I felt do bad for disturbing them all and the poor dog's ears! But after that the dinner went nicely. Some spilt wine but what fancy meal is complete without that? And it was only a Zinfandel so no stains! yay! Ahh what a day! But I must say that over all I'm feeling much more ... put together ... over the past few days. Life is looking good!

Yoga is a practice not a perfect

2007-10-04T23:46:00.000-04:00

All my life I've struggled with not being perfect. If I look deep down that is my greatest desire: to be perfect. And my greatest fear is to not be perfect. So you can imagine the overactive guilt complex I've developed. While being a ballet dancer from the age of 4 has definitely given me unimaginable gifts it has also made me strive to be perfect in everything I do. Which is impossible and I would be one of the first people to tell you that. That's what I teach my students; to be compassionate and non-judgemental towards themselves and accept where they are each day. And yet I am completely unable to practice what I preach. Which adds yet another layer of guilt. This all leads me to wonder what makes so many of us be afraid to be 'perfect'? what is perfection for crying out loud? Everything is subjective so how can we possibly deam anything we do as imperfect? I'm still trying to make myself believe that I am perfect no matter what. And I believe it intellectually but emotionally? that's a whole other story.

Some days ....

2007-10-03T23:33:00.000-04:00

Some days start off badly and well really just don't improve. Even with heavy doses of Jane Austen and tea. Two of my personnal favourite addictions. I woke with a migraine. Got in shit for not calling work while I was unable to move because my brain was about to explode out through my eye sockets. And well the day did get better but it certainly wasn't a good day. I think i've become slightly immune to my anti-anxiety meds. If that's even possible so it was not a fun-filled day. I really need to try harder to not sleep 12+ hours a night, and start getting back my ayurvedic diet, and do my daily practice. I'm so not good at daily life. But if you need me to plan something for 10 years in the future I'm your gal. Which doesn't really help anybody much. Maybe tomorrow will start a new pattern along with a new day ... we can always hope.

Oktober!!

2007-10-01T23:45:00.000-04:00

It's finally october! yipee :D I love fall. It's getting colder. The sweaters have come out of storage. My Great-Nanny's rather tattered quilt has gone on the bed. The Indian corn has been hung. Gourds have been purchased. Tomorrow some Habitant pea soup will be consumed. Now all that's needed is some new chunky-knit socks and some pumpkin pie. Oh maybe i'll get that pumpkin muffin from starbucks ... mmm I'm liking this idea. Gosh darn it but I do love fall.

La La La

2007-10-01T00:24:00.000-04:00

I always seem to be listening to Devendra Banhart when I'm online. Which is just fine by me. Well date two (yesterday) went smashingly. The movie was surprisingly good. Russel Crowe makes a good, not to mention very attractive, cowboy. The date was even extended to include food and plans for next weekend. Which frankly is an excellent sign. He is rather shy though. Two fairly long dates and not a single kiss. Unless you include a peck on the cheek, which I don't. I'm fully okay with this, makes for a bit of a nice change. Respect seems to be increasingly hard to come by.

Today was amazingly calm and relaxing. Always nice on my one day off a week. Walked the dog at the dog park. He did so well, he even played with some other dogs! Considering he's a rescue, is really tiny (a dachshund), and is not fully mobile because he was paralysed last year this is a huge step. I'm so proud *insert goofy grin hear*.

Bhavana

Sealion

2007-09-28T22:45:00.000-04:00

That's what I'm listening to. Sealion by Feist. It's so catchy, it makes me bob. yes that's right bob. I love to dance! And I just now discovered I can dance and type at them same time. woo hoo! This is seriously the most exciting part of my day. music. though L did bring pictures of the tiny little italian island he worked at this summer. Apparently thai yoga massage is pretty lucrative. Which is slightly annoying because yoga alone isn't really. but that's another story. I'm talking about my boring day at work. Even with two massage therapists away we were far from busy. But we did have a slightly crazy man come in to try to rent space from us for his 'detox footbaths' um ... no thanks, that's okay. It was pretty funny though.

On another note, tomorrow is date #2 with M the personal trainer. We're seeing a movie, 3:10 to Yuma to be exact. I know it's not exactly a date movie but it was either that or Resident Evil. oy. Thank-goodness for darkened theatres, this way I don't have to wear too much make-up. My face decided it hates me and picked now to explode in zits. You'd think I'd have gotten past that point by now. *sigh* Plus it's right after work. woot woot. more about that tomorrow :D

2007-09-27T23:41:00.000-04:00

Perhaps its the rain, or the time of night, or the changes in my life but whatever the cause I'm starting a blog. Something always seemed a little odd and not just a little voyeuristic. But I think there is some intrinsic value to blogs, perhaps some self-knowledge or worldly knowledge will be gained. I suppose I should start off by introducing myself as the point of blogs is that they are read by others.
Well here it goes. I'm just your typical twenty-year old, searching for meaning in life. I'm a yoga teacher and 'client care administrator' aka receptionist at a fantastic massage & yoga clinic. I couldn't love my job more. I had the amazing luck of studying yoga under world renowned yoga teachers Yogi Vishvketu and Chetana Panwar. Who are probably in India as I type enjoying the hot weather as I listen to the fall rain. I am so lucky to have found my rightful path in life and that is yoga. I guess you could say I'm a study in contradictions. Mixing my Scottish heritage with my love for India makes for quite the interesting life and beliefs to be sure. I suppose that that will be all for my very first post. Y'all got the important 'this is me' stuff anyway.