Is it bad to feel ... uncertain of how you feel? I pride myself on being fairly self-aware. I try very hard to cultivate a mind-body awareness and to teach it to my students. But lately, man do i ever feel out of touch. I don't even have the impetus to even try to meditate. I know it will probably help and I'll feel better for having tried but I feel weighted down. I sincerely hope that it's not depression rearing it's ugly head again. I think I'll make an appointment to have my meds evaluated. But somehow I feel it may be different. I am confused with my own emotions. Do i love my job or do i dread it? Which man does my heart tell me to go after? I have no clue and I think that makes it worse. It makes me sad. Maybe one day .. hopefully someday soon I'll figure out what my heart wants. Cus damn it I would really like to know.

*sigh* what I wouldn't give for a laxy afternoon. one where i didn't feel guilty for slacking off. like has been very busy lately. not in a bad way. days have been filled with friends and work. this last weekend was a bit rough. going through an off patch with my roommate. i've been dating recently and she's been very judgemental. sometimes i really don't get where she's coming from. i mean usually i'm pretty good with empathy. but i just don't get it. i've been using a dating site called plenty of fish. I find it hard to find men. I do, she thinks i shouldn't .. I don't know what world she live in. She thinks online dating is super dangerous. which i readily admit to. but how is me going out on a date with someone from the internet all that different than her bringing a guy home from a university event and sleeping with him the first night? just because you meet someone in person doesn't automatically make them safe. anyone at any time can lie to you. it just makes me mad that she is so judgemental. she's the 'pretty one' and has guys falling over her. so it sucks she's judgemental for me using the only means i have to find guys. now i'll be honest i think i'm pretty good looking so i don't really get why i don't get approached but that's the way it is. *phew* okay now the rant is done.

okay i'm done crying. so i'm not seeing the frenchman anymore. whatevs. can't change the facts of what is so you might as well roll with it. it didn't work out and that's life. there are plenty of good things happening. my classes have been going remarkably smooth lately (knock on wood). I am going to party this weekend and I don't care what anyone says I plan on getting wasted. I can't remember the last time I got drunk and you only turn 21 once (legal age here is 19 by the by). I got the absolute best birthday present ever. It's a beautiful Deep Red Epiphone Les Paul Special electric guitar!!! I'm freaking out! Cause it's so bloody fabulous.