Is it bad to feel ... uncertain of how you feel? I pride myself on being fairly self-aware. I try very hard to cultivate a mind-body awareness and to teach it to my students. But lately, man do i ever feel out of touch. I don't even have the impetus to even try to meditate. I know it will probably help and I'll feel better for having tried but I feel weighted down. I sincerely hope that it's not depression rearing it's ugly head again. I think I'll make an appointment to have my meds evaluated. But somehow I feel it may be different. I am confused with my own emotions. Do i love my job or do i dread it? Which man does my heart tell me to go after? I have no clue and I think that makes it worse. It makes me sad. Maybe one day .. hopefully someday soon I'll figure out what my heart wants. Cus damn it I would really like to know.

It's hard to believe it's mid september. The days go by so quickly. Life has been very overwhelming lately. I've taken the past few days off to stave off a cold and try and get things into perspective. And actually writing that i just realized I have laundry in the wash that I completely forgot about. I swear lately I have no memory. It's as if my friends' placenta brain is catching. I bought a planner/daily organizer. Never before have i needed one and now i even forget to write things down so i can remember them later. Hopefully fall will help with a new beginning. Clear out the cobwebs. Fall is all about destruction as change. Crisp cool winds blowing away the old. Hopefully it blows out the cotton between my ears.

I have the lyrics of a Jolie Holland song rolling around in my head. Mad Tom of Bedlam. It seems very old fashioned to me, like dusty bibles and creaky floorboards. Beautiful in it's rusticness. So here are the lyrics. And go google her to take a listen.

To see Mad Tom of Bedlam
Ten thousand miles I've travelled
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes
To save her shoes from gravel

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

I went down to Satan's kitchen
For to break my fast one morning
And there I got souls popping hot
All on the spits a-turnin'

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

They' spirits got hot as lightning
Did on that journey guide me
The sun did shake and the pale moon quake
Wherever they did spy me

Yet it's well that we sing bonny boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

My staff has murdered giants
And my pack a long knife carries
For to slice mince pies from children's thighs
From which to feed the faeries
It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money
Tonight I'll go a murderin'
The man in the moon to a powder
His dog I'll shake and his staff I'll break
And I'll howl a wee bit louder

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

To see Mad Tom of Bedlam
Ten thousand miles I've travelled
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes
To save her shoes from gravel
It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

*sigh* what I wouldn't give for a laxy afternoon. one where i didn't feel guilty for slacking off. like has been very busy lately. not in a bad way. days have been filled with friends and work. this last weekend was a bit rough. going through an off patch with my roommate. i've been dating recently and she's been very judgemental. sometimes i really don't get where she's coming from. i mean usually i'm pretty good with empathy. but i just don't get it. i've been using a dating site called plenty of fish. I find it hard to find men. I do, she thinks i shouldn't .. I don't know what world she live in. She thinks online dating is super dangerous. which i readily admit to. but how is me going out on a date with someone from the internet all that different than her bringing a guy home from a university event and sleeping with him the first night? just because you meet someone in person doesn't automatically make them safe. anyone at any time can lie to you. it just makes me mad that she is so judgemental. she's the 'pretty one' and has guys falling over her. so it sucks she's judgemental for me using the only means i have to find guys. now i'll be honest i think i'm pretty good looking so i don't really get why i don't get approached but that's the way it is. *phew* okay now the rant is done.

Gosh it's been a long time. Just haven't been much up for blogging lately. But by gosh I'm going to start up again. I say that now at least.

Yoga has been going great guns lately. Lots of Prenatal students and tons of new classes for me to teach. I love having students you get to see all the time and really connect with. We're slowly building our pre and post natal program and it's really exciting.

I've had some health concerns lately but they are definitely starting to look up. I was severely anemic for awhile, I just couldn't figure out why I was sleeping 12 hours and was still totally exhausted. Well it turns out that when you have no iron in your blood and therefore very little haemoglobin or oxygen in your blood stream that kinda happens. Sheesh I was such a wreck. But I'm now in iron pills so that's getting better. Plus at this time I was having weird spinal problems. I have scoliosis and I'm hypermobile (aka double jointed) so I had a few ribs popping out of place. Which let me tell you hurts like a fucker. It's ridiculous how much a little rib can hurt. So now I'm back to spending enormous amounts at the chiropractor to keep those suckers attached to me. tehe.

Hmm what else? I'm planning a weekend to Montreal in a few weekends. I have a friend who lives there with his fiancee and they are letting me stay with them. I can't wait to see him. It's been nearly a year since I last saw him. And you gotta keep your dancer friends :) We might film a duet in the metro station ... don't worry I'll totally post it if that happens.

Goodnight all!

Hey all! i'm baaaack. *giggles*

I just the most absolutely amazing weekend ever. Here in Ottawa there is an aboriginal women's support centre called Minwaashin Lodge. Every year there is a huge women's gathering. It was just this past weekend and boy was it incredible. It had tons of traditional things to do. Drumming and singing circles, sweat lodges, crafts (quill earrings, dream catchers), sacred fire, elder teachings. It was a pretty break through weekend personally. During a mandala workshop the image of a wild horse running came to my mind. One of the facilitators later made a comment that horses aren't afraid of their own power. Boy did the tears flow. I realized that i don't embrace my own power and i am damn well going to start. so there. :D

I've been a bit (okay alot) out of touch with blog world lately. I've moved into a friend's place for a couple of months and for some reason can't pick up wireless in her place. So I only come online when I get a break at work or use my roomie's computer. I miss you guys! Life is touch and go but for the most part i'm hangin' in. For tonight I'm going to curl up with my Mary Higgins Clark novel and sleep in my comfie new queen sized bed! hurray for big beds, i just upgraded and i loooove it! i get to stretch ooooouuuuutttt :D :D :D I am totally sleeping diagonally across the bed, so much fun. okay enough talk of that delicious bed ... i'm going to go get in it!