I have finally joined the rest of the world. Today I got a cell phone. It's purple (one of my favourite colours) and white. very sleek. it's insane what they can put in these things now. It is a cell, and mp3 player, and a camera. woo hoo. now i'm contactible during my hour bus commute to work. yay! i'm so excited .. granted now i have more bills. but still i'm having fun with it.

I let him in. I happily gave him the amunition. I gave him the power to hurt me. i practically told him what words would hurt the most. not again. screw it. i was meant to be a spinster, a maid in a garrett. i can not imagine ever letting another person that close to my heart ever again. how can one person be so cruel and spiteful to another? i don't understand why people lash out at others in their moments of pain. that's when we should be best at loving another, at being kind because we know the pain.

well fuck him. i take it back. you don't have the power to hurt me anymore. i am me. and you can't touch me. my heart is safe, even if that does mean locked away. you are no longer able to hurt me. i wont let you anymore. bastard.

that's right abagah! life is a crap shoot. and it sucks. and i hate hip hop clubs and the fact that ottawa only has hip hop clubs. maybe i should hit up the gay bars .... hmmm. anyway. and i don't want to work tomorrow. i don't like having to be the emotional rock for others while i'm in the midst of a hurricane. i'm pissy and i hate life and that's just how i god damn feel. also i hate men .. specifically one certain man who wont leave me the fuck alone. can you tell i'm not in a good mood. i know hate is a four letter word ... i try to not use it but sometimes you just need to let it out. i can't be perfect all the time.*sigh* i'll meditate and be fine by tomorrow i just needed to get that out.

I feel the need for some healing. some deeply rooted, whole being healing. and i get the feeling that i'm not alone. so here is the healing mantra that I learned from my teacher Chetana Panwar:

Om triambakam yajamahai
sugandeem pushti vardinan
urvarukamiva bandhinan
mrityor mokshya mamritat

ॐ त्रिंबकम याजमहाई
सुगंदीम पुष्टि वर्दिनन
उर्वरुकमिवा बंधिनन
मृत्योर मोक्ष्य माम्रितात

I'm gonna do 2 posts for today ... can you believe it?! with the amount I've been blogging lately it truly is shocking. with regards to yesterday .. ugh is all i can say right now. first of all I want to thank Brendan over at www.countmeoutblog.blogspot.com for reinspiring my music posts. With teaching thursday night until 9 I just haven't felt the desire. But NOW I have something totally cool I can tell you all. I'm going to see Lyle Lovett and John Hiat in concert. February 12 my friends. I'm soooo happy. yipee! I love Lyle. Don't ask me why but I just do. "Any old town that I rambled all around, there's more pretty girls than one" I just love that song. So if you haven't before go listen to Lyle Lovett's CD 'It's not big it's large'

I am so confused right now. M and I have been at odds for a couple of weeks now and I feel done. I'm done I don't want to fight with him anymore. He doesn't want to fix any of our problems. He thinks saying 'i love you' will fix everything. He lives in this fantasy world where I'm the perfect woman and we have the perfect relationship. Well surprise buddy we don't and I'm certainly not. All we ever do is sit around and watch tv or movies. And he doesn't listen when I say I want to do more, talk about important things, have a real relationship. He thinks I'm attacking him. I'm so frustrated. Then during our fight he pulls out this little gem 'But I love you, I've been saving up the past two months for an engagement ring' This is supposed to make me feel better!? Emotional Blackmail is what I call it. You don't tell someone you've only been dating for 4 months and who you haven't slept with that you want to get married. It's as if he thinks that if he tells me he loves me enough then I wont leave. But it just makes me more mad.

But my friends keep second guessing me. People who I thought knew me so well ask if I'm making the right decision in breaking up with him. And now I don't know. Just because he's nice and will be hurt doesn't mean I should stay with him. But I feel like they think I should stay (if not necessarily for that reason). But I just feel so done with it. Ahhhh why does this have to be so damn shitty?

It's been pretty crazy over here in bhavana-land. Christmas was very busy. I ended up working quite a bit. Including Christmas Eve, which i was not exactly pleased with. M had gone to visit his parents for a few days so the xmas holidays were spent bouncing around between family's houses. It was lovely. I absolutely love spending time with family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins .. they all come out at Christmas time. Then of course it was right back to work.

New Years was of course fast approaching and boy did I ever have plans. I very rarely celebrate New Years, I'm usually too tired or have work. But this year M & I plus a whole bunch of friends planned a trip to Mt.Tremblant, a very popular ski destination in Quebec. We left right after work on New Years Eve and spent a wonderful night in the most gorgeous ski resort/village. It was a strangely old world meets the stepford wives feel. It is beautiful but the entire town in completely fabricated. It isn't so much an actual town as a resort built on the plan of a old renaissance town. We had an amazing time and I would definitely visit again .. but not for very long.

So it's back to work and time to look forward. Life can feel daunting sometimes. Like for instance tomorrow, i have to talk to my boss about some unsafe working conditions. Leaving my yoga class thursday nights and being the only staff member around to close up at 9 is just not safe. And I feel very uncomfortable about it. So that's my big 'must do' for tomorrow. Crossing fingers that it will go smoothly.

Well it's off to bed for me ladies and gents .. hope you all had a happy new year!