It's so funny. I had so much planned to say but then i finally get to sit down to write and the big blank white screen scares away all of my ideas. But since all of my fantabulous ideas have flown away I guess I'll just tell y'all about my weekend. Which was great. I worked Saturday as per usual and then we went to M's staff christmas party. It was great though he works at a gym so you can imagine the guys he works with. Then Sunday was at my parents' place. The 4 of us decorated the tree and made a gingerbread house. It was the perfect pre-christmas weekend. I even kind of enjoyed the huge snow storm we had. There is so much snow here! There are some snow drifts that are knee deep. We had to dig out 2 cars on sunday. Plows are still out on Monday night getting rid of all the snow. Pictures will be coming, I just have to get batteries for the camera. I got some awesome shots of the snow ... and our super awesome gingerbread house of course.

It's hard to describe my life right now. It seems so dark and hidey-holey (psh that so makes sense, shush. tehe) Yet there are bits of it that shine. Parts of my life seem perfect. I have an amazing who loves me, even in his emails I can feel his warmth. I sit at my computer alone and feeling lonely look down at the big woolly socks M bought me and feel near giddy with pleasure. That to me is love. But oh there are parts of me that are so unsatisfied with my life. My job is frustrating lately, money troubles have got me down, and i want to move. i feel listless, restless. i'm not good at being happy and settled. i've always got to mix it up. move about. gypsy blood is egging me on. i can't decide if i want to scream or hide in bed forever. Now this is an established pattern for me and I need to learn how to get around it this time with minimal casualties. I blew of a massage and an interview today because I'd rather be asleep. Last time this happened I got in serious trouble at work and the time before that I spent two weeks in bed and dropped out of university. So this really needs to be nipped in the bud. Maybe my new man will help me out. fingers crossed.

I have a totally random confession to make .... I am addicted to LL Bean. Seriously. I live in Canada but totally want to move to New England just so I can wear all LL Bean and use the fun gadgets. I also become ridiculously excited when the catalogues come in the mail. And they come alot. One even had a fleece fabric swatch! Also my grandmother and I apparently share the same odd love of the LL Bean catalogue. oh man. My Nanny people! I feel like i belong in a cabin with a bottle tree, a shotgun, and lots of cats. That sounds rather appealing actually. Well minus the shotgun but a broom to shoo 'youngins' will do nicely.

please not this is not my picture ... all hail the google image search

Today is just a day, in a long line of days. And I am finally living those days at least partially in the present. Because of course being totally 'present' is very hard. But I'm trying. And it's going well. So I figured it was time for a little update. What exactly has bhavana been doing to keep her away from blogging? Well blizzards for one. We have soooooo much snow and it's supposed to be our coldest winter in 15 years. yikes! I'm now teaching 6 classes a week. 6 can you believe it?! And of course there is finding time to spend with M and do house work. Not to mention trying to fit some sort of creative pursuit in there somewhere. It's December! And that means Christmas. I've already started shopping. I usually don't start until about the 15th and am always rushing about. I guess all this snow is really getting me into the xmas spirit, and that is just fine by me. *phew* I feel like that was a bit of verbal diarrhea, one long run on sentence that needed to just get out of me. so now you know and my 'i haven't posted a blog' guilt has been assuaged. kidding. sort of.

Dasein - being or existence in the german.

German philosophers have been struggling with this term Dasein. being. what is being? existence? 'i think therefore i am'? really? i don't know about that. what is thinking? is it the hallmark of sentience or is it being self-aware? my rose is alive but does it think? i have no idea actually. just because it is plant doesn't mean it isn't plant life. or that our definition of thought is accurate. my rose could very well be planning universal domination but i would never know. what is this state of being in which we live? In Hinduism we believe that absolutely everything in connected, is the same, because everything has a piece of god (Brahman) in it [this piece of god in us is called Atman or the soul in lay-man's terms]. When we die 'we,' our Atman, is united with Brahman. What we identify as 'me,' our ego, is just the device through which the Atman experiences life. But what is this life? Is it possible that Brahman experiences other forms of life that we cannot even comprehend in other realities? AHHH too many questions! haha to be certain we can never really know all the answers but we can know what we believe.

It snowed today. Finally. It's mid november already. I remember Halloween's as a kid being bundled into snowsuits because it was cold and snowing. But now, oh now, we are praying for white christmases. Talk about global warming. Now I know it's a hot topic right now but it needs to be addressed. People are jumping on the 'green' bandwagon left and right. There is a part of me jumping for joy at this yelling 'Yay! Finally!' at the top of my lungs. But there is a tiny part that says 'fakers' I kinda liked being the wacky tree-hugger pulling out the canvas bags at the grocery store. I actually like being different and slightly oddball. Now all we need is to get the people to actually understand the 'green' thing and not just jump on because it's the cool thing to do. We need to get them to actually mean it and commit. Yeah the little things are important but in the grand scheme of things Harper not being a dickwad Bush-a-like and actually putting money towards the environment would go alot further than not using plastic bags. Yes we all MUST do our part but the government needs to step up. Stop selling our water, stop cutting down old-growth forest, commit to ethanol, fucking do something already. As you have probably noticed this subject gets me miffed ... and out comes the sailor. arg!

New life [spring 07]

I have so many thoughts whirling around in this tiny head of mine. There are so many things I could write about. Selfishness versus selflessness. new found love. the benefits of self-discovery. the awe of dance. Yet i have absolutely no desire to put pen to paper (or finger to keys) Maybe it's being vulnerable. Talking about something that matters requires a great deal of strength. And that is something I have been sorely lacking lately. I feel devoid of my inner strength. It's hiding and I want it to come back. My bravery is gone away and I am sad from missing it. Were is the strong, proud woman that I was once? What scarred her away?