i'm getting sick. i woke up this morning with an unbelievably sore throat. and charged into action. vit c, echinecea, jal neti, and extra fibre. for any person curious if you dilute prune juice with water and hold your nose you can conceivably get it down. but as the day progressed i've felt worse and worse. after teaching my class my voice is barely above a whisper. i'm so not looking forward to tomorrow. it is my day off but i still have things to do. first day off in 6 days and i was so excited. but now? blech. and i can't sleep right now so that isn't great either. hopefully i can nip this in the bud .. it took my co-worker for a loop. fingers crossed people!

Well I spent most of today at work doing a course. It's called The Fundamentals of Energy Healing. It was very good. It was theory of energy healing and philosophy that can be applied to yoga, thai massage, and ayurveda. I was taking it towards my 200 hour certification in Thai Massage. It was amazing. I learnt so much about myself. And ways to deepen my teaching of yoga and better facilitate the healing of others. It took alot out of me though. I feel so very open and susceptible to other's energies. I need to ground myself but am finding it hard. So when I got home and opened an email from the friend of my very infantile ex stating that he wants to talk to me I freaked. Am freaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I do not want to deal with this shit anymore. I am so over him and so wanted to be done with the stress he adds to my life. I don't know what to do. So it went incredibly inspiring and growth filled to really fucking shitty. men suck ... and so does my attitude and i don't fucking care.

For today's thursday Music-a-thon (see see I'm actually posting again!) I choose Pantera. Mostly because I've been reading the March issue of Guitar World Magazine and it's devoted to Dimebag Darrell in anniversary of his death 3 years ago. Dime was one lucky man ... amazing talent. great success. and a woman who loved him. Rita (Dime's girlfriend of 20 yrs.) was on LA Ink recently to get a tattoo in memory of Darrell.

Pantera was a pretty sweet Metal band. In the tradition of true metal bands. With a very riff heavy sounds reminiscent of Van Halen but much harder and grittier. Now in general I don't listen to much metal. I'm mostly a folk rock kinda gal. But for truth I listen to pretty much everything it just all depends on my mood. And metal is so very cathartic. So if you've never given Pantera a chance do so and if you have well rock on!

I feel good today but have got no inspiration for a lengthly post. So i shall leave you with come link-ly love. I know Deb (red shoe ramblings) will get a kick out of them when she gets back.

Because I'm newly single and I do so love a bearded man (lumberjacks? oh yay)

www.myspace.com/beardsforpeace

www.myspace.com/womenforbeards

enjoy!

Interstitial fluid is a solution which bathes and surrounds the cells of multicellular animals. It is the main component of the extracellular fluid, which also includes plasma and transcellular fluid.
On average, a person has about 11 litres (2.4 imperial gallons) of interstitial fluid providing the cells of the body with nutrients and a means of waste removal. (from wikipedia)

I believe I have stated before how much I love Google. Well I'll say it again. I LOVE Google!! I could not for the life of me remember what the difference between interstitial fluid and extracellular was. There was a big discussion at work and it was decided that I would go search google for the answer. well surprise they're the exact same thing! grrr. All this because I'm reading the text book Anatomy and Physiology for Midwives for fun. It's actually an awesome book. All full of uteruses (uteri?) and placenta and cellular functions. woo hoo! okay so I'm a dork .... no telling!

I have finally joined the rest of the world. Today I got a cell phone. It's purple (one of my favourite colours) and white. very sleek. it's insane what they can put in these things now. It is a cell, and mp3 player, and a camera. woo hoo. now i'm contactible during my hour bus commute to work. yay! i'm so excited .. granted now i have more bills. but still i'm having fun with it.

I let him in. I happily gave him the amunition. I gave him the power to hurt me. i practically told him what words would hurt the most. not again. screw it. i was meant to be a spinster, a maid in a garrett. i can not imagine ever letting another person that close to my heart ever again. how can one person be so cruel and spiteful to another? i don't understand why people lash out at others in their moments of pain. that's when we should be best at loving another, at being kind because we know the pain.

well fuck him. i take it back. you don't have the power to hurt me anymore. i am me. and you can't touch me. my heart is safe, even if that does mean locked away. you are no longer able to hurt me. i wont let you anymore. bastard.

that's right abagah! life is a crap shoot. and it sucks. and i hate hip hop clubs and the fact that ottawa only has hip hop clubs. maybe i should hit up the gay bars .... hmmm. anyway. and i don't want to work tomorrow. i don't like having to be the emotional rock for others while i'm in the midst of a hurricane. i'm pissy and i hate life and that's just how i god damn feel. also i hate men .. specifically one certain man who wont leave me the fuck alone. can you tell i'm not in a good mood. i know hate is a four letter word ... i try to not use it but sometimes you just need to let it out. i can't be perfect all the time.*sigh* i'll meditate and be fine by tomorrow i just needed to get that out.

I feel the need for some healing. some deeply rooted, whole being healing. and i get the feeling that i'm not alone. so here is the healing mantra that I learned from my teacher Chetana Panwar:

Om triambakam yajamahai
sugandeem pushti vardinan
urvarukamiva bandhinan
mrityor mokshya mamritat

ॐ त्रिंबकम याजमहाई
सुगंदीम पुष्टि वर्दिनन
उर्वरुकमिवा बंधिनन
मृत्योर मोक्ष्य माम्रितात

I'm gonna do 2 posts for today ... can you believe it?! with the amount I've been blogging lately it truly is shocking. with regards to yesterday .. ugh is all i can say right now. first of all I want to thank Brendan over at www.countmeoutblog.blogspot.com for reinspiring my music posts. With teaching thursday night until 9 I just haven't felt the desire. But NOW I have something totally cool I can tell you all. I'm going to see Lyle Lovett and John Hiat in concert. February 12 my friends. I'm soooo happy. yipee! I love Lyle. Don't ask me why but I just do. "Any old town that I rambled all around, there's more pretty girls than one" I just love that song. So if you haven't before go listen to Lyle Lovett's CD 'It's not big it's large'

I am so confused right now. M and I have been at odds for a couple of weeks now and I feel done. I'm done I don't want to fight with him anymore. He doesn't want to fix any of our problems. He thinks saying 'i love you' will fix everything. He lives in this fantasy world where I'm the perfect woman and we have the perfect relationship. Well surprise buddy we don't and I'm certainly not. All we ever do is sit around and watch tv or movies. And he doesn't listen when I say I want to do more, talk about important things, have a real relationship. He thinks I'm attacking him. I'm so frustrated. Then during our fight he pulls out this little gem 'But I love you, I've been saving up the past two months for an engagement ring' This is supposed to make me feel better!? Emotional Blackmail is what I call it. You don't tell someone you've only been dating for 4 months and who you haven't slept with that you want to get married. It's as if he thinks that if he tells me he loves me enough then I wont leave. But it just makes me more mad.

But my friends keep second guessing me. People who I thought knew me so well ask if I'm making the right decision in breaking up with him. And now I don't know. Just because he's nice and will be hurt doesn't mean I should stay with him. But I feel like they think I should stay (if not necessarily for that reason). But I just feel so done with it. Ahhhh why does this have to be so damn shitty?

It's been pretty crazy over here in bhavana-land. Christmas was very busy. I ended up working quite a bit. Including Christmas Eve, which i was not exactly pleased with. M had gone to visit his parents for a few days so the xmas holidays were spent bouncing around between family's houses. It was lovely. I absolutely love spending time with family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins .. they all come out at Christmas time. Then of course it was right back to work.

New Years was of course fast approaching and boy did I ever have plans. I very rarely celebrate New Years, I'm usually too tired or have work. But this year M & I plus a whole bunch of friends planned a trip to Mt.Tremblant, a very popular ski destination in Quebec. We left right after work on New Years Eve and spent a wonderful night in the most gorgeous ski resort/village. It was a strangely old world meets the stepford wives feel. It is beautiful but the entire town in completely fabricated. It isn't so much an actual town as a resort built on the plan of a old renaissance town. We had an amazing time and I would definitely visit again .. but not for very long.

So it's back to work and time to look forward. Life can feel daunting sometimes. Like for instance tomorrow, i have to talk to my boss about some unsafe working conditions. Leaving my yoga class thursday nights and being the only staff member around to close up at 9 is just not safe. And I feel very uncomfortable about it. So that's my big 'must do' for tomorrow. Crossing fingers that it will go smoothly.

Well it's off to bed for me ladies and gents .. hope you all had a happy new year!