okay i'm done crying. so i'm not seeing the frenchman anymore. whatevs. can't change the facts of what is so you might as well roll with it. it didn't work out and that's life. there are plenty of good things happening. my classes have been going remarkably smooth lately (knock on wood). I am going to party this weekend and I don't care what anyone says I plan on getting wasted. I can't remember the last time I got drunk and you only turn 21 once (legal age here is 19 by the by). I got the absolute best birthday present ever. It's a beautiful Deep Red Epiphone Les Paul Special electric guitar!!! I'm freaking out! Cause it's so bloody fabulous.

I feel like an idiot. As I mentioned before I've started seeing this guy,we'll call him the Frenchman, and so far it's been going well. We were getting along famously. Or at least I thought so. We were both being good about talking openly (huge for me) and he had openly admitted to wanting to be with me. And that felt fabulous, we had great chemistry. Yes you are right I am writing in the past tense. Because now I'm not so sure. The Frenchman and I live a good distance (about 2 hours) away from each other and find it difficult to see one another as often as we'd like. I was starting to fall big time and then *snap* like a rubber band breaking reality comes whipping back. I haven't talked to him in a week and I feel as though he's avoiding me. Trust me my confidence is majorly foundering. I have this ache inside me that usually I barely feel, if at all. But lately this ache has been getting worse. The Frenchman made me realize the ache was still there. I thought maybe he could make that ache go away but now it seems like some cruel joke. The Universe wants me to remember that deeply rooted seed of want; wanting to be loved, and yet the Universe definitely doesn't want that ache to be mended. Or at least that's how it feels right now. It may all be silliness, he may just be busy or what have you. But right now I'm hurting. And I dislike hurting.

Spring has sprung ... and guess what that means......

1. i get to wear my rubber boots! :)
2. my birthday is soon
3.it's raining and there is mud (granted under like 5 feet of snow)
4.I can start thinking about parties and dresses and gardening
5.flowers and chai and the smell of wet grass


oh dear i've gotta stop i'm getting way ahead of myself. but soon people! soon!

Somewhere inside of me there is dam. It feels as though my thoughts are stunted. A wall has been built in my mind. I can see past, knowing beyond it are wondrous things I can only imagine. And yet. Oh and yet I can't get past it. My mind swirls with knowledge and opinions longing to be expressed. And yet. My words become jumbled and I can only look on helplessly as these strange phrases are digested. I want to mold my world as I would a block of clay. My mind's eye can see the outcome that my hands cannot create. Frustrated I know I must let go of everything in order to have success. And yet....

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

1.check! book is Beyond the Horizon by Colin Angus (it's about his journey to circumnavigate the globe using only human power)
2.okay done
3.From now on, I would pitch my tent almost every day to maximize my progress.
4.The discomfort of the extreme cold would be great, but that's why we had asked outdoor companies to sponsor us with their highest-quality cold-weather gear. Besides, only by sticking to a more steady schedule could we exit Russia before our visas expired. At seven the next morning, as the snow-blanketed land began to emit a diffuse glow, I said goodbye to my expedition colleagues and began my 4,000-kilomtre journey to Irkutsk.
5.tag yourself ... cus it's more fun that way. :)

ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is Celebrate Your Broken Heart Week, Aries. Even if your heart's not exactly shattered at the moment, it has no doubt been so at sometime in the past. So why celebrate? Because having a broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you. It strengthens your humility, which makes you smarter. It demonstrates to you that you have a tremendous capacity for deep feelings -- far more than you're normally aware of. It breaks down defense mechanisms that have desensitized you to the world's secret beauty. It should also inspire you to treat other people's hearts with great care, making it more likely you'll be able to create intelligent intimacy in the future. Here's what I conclude: A broken heart is a gift the world gives you to awaken you to the truth about what matters to you most.

That one certainly hits close to home. It puls up those little heart pangs; the ones I'm too afraid to let out. Because I'm scared noone will be there to catch me. But buck-up bhavana! you can catch yourself! Maybe if I say it loud enough it will start to be true? But in all seriouslness it makes a very good point. There is beauty in everything and boy have I ever learned alot about myself lately. *sings annoyingly yet still cutely* keep on swimming, keep on swimming. tehe

Life is a funny thing. In my class tonight I was trying to teach connection. By using your breath and dropping down into your physical body you can connect to who you are as a being/person. In my classes I want so much for my students to 'get it.' To really understand things about themselves and have those 'aha' moments. But I just can't make them understand. I have to start actively 'offering' my teachings. If the students are ready for those teachings then they'll get there. If they aren't ready in their own personal journey to receive the information i'm providing then that is just what it is. Letting go is so hard for me. It's not my journey, it's theirs let them do it theirselves. I just want to do it all for other people and ignore my own shit. Yet at the same time I really want respect from my peers/'superiors'. Today has been a rollercoaster. Feeling good and confident in my abilities, learning from the mentoring oportunities i have at work. But on the other hand being really frustrated in my interpersonal relationships with my boss and some of my friends. Sigh! It's just been one of those days I tell ya!

(but that date went so well that i had another on sunday ... so pray this one isn't crazy. lol)