There have been some pretty crazy developments here lately.
First of all we had an insane winter storm yesterday and overnight last night. We got about 40-50 cm of snow (15-20 inches), freezing rain, hail, oh and it felt like -22 with the windchill! That's about -8 Fahrenheit. So it was not fun to say the least. Well we will sure be having a white christmas this year.
Secondly OC Transpo, our public bus system, went on strike. So I'm home from work today. I have adds on a million carpooling websites. But the problem is that there are tons of people wanting drives but very few offering. I might have a few options for thursday and friday. Or I might be sitting at home making no money. There is no way I can walk or take a cab ... it would be at least $25 one way. Also I can't drive and our family car's transmission is dead.
Some background info on why this strike is even worse than the above mentioned reasons. Yesterday I quit my job. But, and that's a mighty big but, I don't have a job to go to. I have some prospects but nothing for sure. I just could not deal with the debilitating stress anymore. So with the bus strike. I don't have a way into work which means I don't get paid coming up to christmas and a soon to be jobless period. I also can't go apply to jobs or get to interviews without the buses. So I'm stuck at home stewing on how much this sucks right now.

Cross your fingers that the city and the transit union come to their egotistical, greedy senses and solve this problem asap!

I hope. I had a job interview to be a manager in training at a local gym. She said I should hear from her by Monday. It seems like the perfect job! I really really hope i get it. It would be a hell of a lot better than the place I am now. There would actually be a possibility of a raise! or a promotion. So I'm crossing my fingers and living in anticipation till i hear back. eek!

On another happy note my best girlfriend 'C' and I had a dinner and a movie date tonight. We went to see Twilight. It's soooo good :) I had read the book awhile ago (before all the crazy hype) and really enjoyed it. Writing was maybe a bit lacking but her storytelling was excellent. I think they did a really good job of making the movie. I was really impressed with the cinematography and the music. They played Ben Harper and Iron & Wine. I was practically giddy with excitement over the Iron & Wine :) Yay for Indie music making it big! Devendra Banhart's Lover was practically the theme song for Nick & Norah's infinite playlist. My girl friend got pissed b/c i was singing along in the theatre. tehe

Sam Beam aka Iron & Wine on the left and Devendra Banhart on the right.

Have I mentioned I TOTALLY have thing for long-haired bearded men? lol.

Life is so damn confusing lately. I don't know what I want or what I should want. I feel a lot of frustration lately and that in and of itself makes me feel guilty. I've been having a fair number of health concerns of late. Nothing serious individually but when you add up all the little things it certainly feels like my body is betraying me. It's really hard for me to feel that way. I've always been very connected to my physical body ... it's frustrating to not be able to fix it all instantly. Also living with anxiety and depression makes the motivation to get up and fix things hard to come by. I would much rather sleep an extra 30 minutes in the morning than get up and make myself proper food and do yoga. Which if course makes me feel guilty. People are right when they talk about vicious circles.

On top of feeling unhealthy I am also fairly unhappy at work. I had another girl quit so now I am literally the only admin staff member as well as the only full time yoga teacher. It makes me want to pull all my hair out! I should mention i make a whopping $11 an hour so i definitely fall below the poverty line while trying to manage a business i have no authority over. Talk about frustration! I desperately want to quit but am having trouble finding the courage.

So this is my new prayer ... my new quest. Courage. where do people find the courage to stand up and be honest with themselves. where do i find the courage to be truthful to myself?

I'm from our good Nation's Capital and I like it that way. My Grease Monkey recently got transferred to London, Ontario and it sucks ass! It was very sudden and very much in the realm of getting screwed over. I highly doubt it followed any labour laws. He went down for a meeting with his District Manager about possibly moving down if he couldn't find a place to live. They informed him that he started the next day, granted he got a promotion out of it. But I still HATE it! I miss him so much. We've decided that there is no chance of us breaking up over it. He's going to find a way to come back. One of our options was me moving to London. But I just can't do it. We toyed with the idea of moving to BC. I'd prefer that option to London but I still don't know if I can do it. All of my family and friends are here. People make up such a huge part of my life .. I'm afraid I would feel too isolated. I feel a bit guilty for making him do all the moving about for me. Ottawa is my city, it's isn't hisOur sorta-solution?

Webcam!

Behold my first attempts to figure out how to use it ;)

Worked out pretty good me thinks! Now how to master actual videos. haha :D wish me luck in tech land peoples .. i'm outa my depth here.

We had a crazy storm last night. First Storm of winter! .. it's only October y'all! ahhh! we got between 15 and 30 cm ... approx 2 inches. Man was it cold and blustery on my way to work this morning. It reminds me of my childhood. When Halloween costumes were made big enough to fit over snow suits. We lived out in the country so we drove from house to house to Trick or Treat. I can remember the pop cans rolling around in the back seat of the car. Can you believe people used to give out cans of pop?! Can I have summer back? I miss the warmth terribly. But on the bright side I loooooove Halloween! woo hoo! best holiday ever!

This past weekend/week has been one giant cluster fuck from the universe! And not just for me either! It's been madness. Firstly Grease Monkey's roommate is a bitch and decided to give him the boot so we've been in a mad panic to find him an apartment in about 2 weeks. It didn't happen but he does have a place to stay for a month. Hopefully we can find him something by then. Otherwise he's moving to B.C. which I can not handle right now. I finally find a good man, the universe can not be that cruel. I refuse to allow it (cus clearly the universe does exactly what i tell it to)

My work friends have been equally fucked up the ass recently. First on saturday D got pulled over on her way in. She was driving on a suspended license (because she had to get to work to pay the damn fines) so she got in hot water and I had to cancel her appointments for the morning. Trust me massage clients aren't happy when they get to their appointment and their therapist isn't there. She might be very well royally screwed and loose her license ... meaning she can't work and we loose business because we are already under staffed.

Then today C got into a car accident with his girlfriend. So he's obviously shaken up and was not at work. Oh and R quit on Friday night so I have to pick up the slack. I'll have to take her Monday night class and work till 9pm. Plus Fridays I'll now be the only admin staff all day working 11-6 ish. oy!

See cluster fuck! arrrggggg

yeah i can't believe it either, the weekend goes way too fast. Especially since I have a wonderful new man to spend it with. My Grease Monkey sure makes me smile (he's a mechanic by the way lol). He met my family over thanksgiving and it went really well ... their craziness didn't scare him away so i guess he's a keeper. wink wink.

i worked a long shift today because i had to substitute a class for a co-worker. she was at a doula workshop so i was more than willing to help out ... except that the class runs till 9. 9! wow am i ever tired. i'm contemplating movign on from my current place. I've been there well over a year now and i've definitely hit the glass ceiling. And trust me .. capping out at $11/hr sucks hard. i've gotten so much experience and knowledge from working there and i love my co-workers so it will definitely be hard. that being said the job hunt starts now! woo hoo .... eep.

and in other news i did get my meds checked. seems like my body has adapted to them. so the plan is to ween off them and then start a new drug to see how that goes. so if i seem bitchy it's because i have no paxil and am dizzy. ;)

that's all for now folks!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

Is it bad to feel ... uncertain of how you feel? I pride myself on being fairly self-aware. I try very hard to cultivate a mind-body awareness and to teach it to my students. But lately, man do i ever feel out of touch. I don't even have the impetus to even try to meditate. I know it will probably help and I'll feel better for having tried but I feel weighted down. I sincerely hope that it's not depression rearing it's ugly head again. I think I'll make an appointment to have my meds evaluated. But somehow I feel it may be different. I am confused with my own emotions. Do i love my job or do i dread it? Which man does my heart tell me to go after? I have no clue and I think that makes it worse. It makes me sad. Maybe one day .. hopefully someday soon I'll figure out what my heart wants. Cus damn it I would really like to know.

It's hard to believe it's mid september. The days go by so quickly. Life has been very overwhelming lately. I've taken the past few days off to stave off a cold and try and get things into perspective. And actually writing that i just realized I have laundry in the wash that I completely forgot about. I swear lately I have no memory. It's as if my friends' placenta brain is catching. I bought a planner/daily organizer. Never before have i needed one and now i even forget to write things down so i can remember them later. Hopefully fall will help with a new beginning. Clear out the cobwebs. Fall is all about destruction as change. Crisp cool winds blowing away the old. Hopefully it blows out the cotton between my ears.

I have the lyrics of a Jolie Holland song rolling around in my head. Mad Tom of Bedlam. It seems very old fashioned to me, like dusty bibles and creaky floorboards. Beautiful in it's rusticness. So here are the lyrics. And go google her to take a listen.

To see Mad Tom of Bedlam
Ten thousand miles I've travelled
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes
To save her shoes from gravel

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

I went down to Satan's kitchen
For to break my fast one morning
And there I got souls popping hot
All on the spits a-turnin'

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

They' spirits got hot as lightning
Did on that journey guide me
The sun did shake and the pale moon quake
Wherever they did spy me

Yet it's well that we sing bonny boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

My staff has murdered giants
And my pack a long knife carries
For to slice mince pies from children's thighs
From which to feed the faeries
It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money
Tonight I'll go a murderin'
The man in the moon to a powder
His dog I'll shake and his staff I'll break
And I'll howl a wee bit louder

It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

To see Mad Tom of Bedlam
Ten thousand miles I've travelled
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes
To save her shoes from gravel
It's well that we sing bonney boys
Bonney mad boys
Bedlam boys are bonney
For they all go bare, and they live in the air
And they want no drink nor money

*sigh* what I wouldn't give for a laxy afternoon. one where i didn't feel guilty for slacking off. like has been very busy lately. not in a bad way. days have been filled with friends and work. this last weekend was a bit rough. going through an off patch with my roommate. i've been dating recently and she's been very judgemental. sometimes i really don't get where she's coming from. i mean usually i'm pretty good with empathy. but i just don't get it. i've been using a dating site called plenty of fish. I find it hard to find men. I do, she thinks i shouldn't .. I don't know what world she live in. She thinks online dating is super dangerous. which i readily admit to. but how is me going out on a date with someone from the internet all that different than her bringing a guy home from a university event and sleeping with him the first night? just because you meet someone in person doesn't automatically make them safe. anyone at any time can lie to you. it just makes me mad that she is so judgemental. she's the 'pretty one' and has guys falling over her. so it sucks she's judgemental for me using the only means i have to find guys. now i'll be honest i think i'm pretty good looking so i don't really get why i don't get approached but that's the way it is. *phew* okay now the rant is done.

Gosh it's been a long time. Just haven't been much up for blogging lately. But by gosh I'm going to start up again. I say that now at least.

Yoga has been going great guns lately. Lots of Prenatal students and tons of new classes for me to teach. I love having students you get to see all the time and really connect with. We're slowly building our pre and post natal program and it's really exciting.

I've had some health concerns lately but they are definitely starting to look up. I was severely anemic for awhile, I just couldn't figure out why I was sleeping 12 hours and was still totally exhausted. Well it turns out that when you have no iron in your blood and therefore very little haemoglobin or oxygen in your blood stream that kinda happens. Sheesh I was such a wreck. But I'm now in iron pills so that's getting better. Plus at this time I was having weird spinal problems. I have scoliosis and I'm hypermobile (aka double jointed) so I had a few ribs popping out of place. Which let me tell you hurts like a fucker. It's ridiculous how much a little rib can hurt. So now I'm back to spending enormous amounts at the chiropractor to keep those suckers attached to me. tehe.

Hmm what else? I'm planning a weekend to Montreal in a few weekends. I have a friend who lives there with his fiancee and they are letting me stay with them. I can't wait to see him. It's been nearly a year since I last saw him. And you gotta keep your dancer friends :) We might film a duet in the metro station ... don't worry I'll totally post it if that happens.

Goodnight all!

Hey all! i'm baaaack. *giggles*

I just the most absolutely amazing weekend ever. Here in Ottawa there is an aboriginal women's support centre called Minwaashin Lodge. Every year there is a huge women's gathering. It was just this past weekend and boy was it incredible. It had tons of traditional things to do. Drumming and singing circles, sweat lodges, crafts (quill earrings, dream catchers), sacred fire, elder teachings. It was a pretty break through weekend personally. During a mandala workshop the image of a wild horse running came to my mind. One of the facilitators later made a comment that horses aren't afraid of their own power. Boy did the tears flow. I realized that i don't embrace my own power and i am damn well going to start. so there. :D

I've been a bit (okay alot) out of touch with blog world lately. I've moved into a friend's place for a couple of months and for some reason can't pick up wireless in her place. So I only come online when I get a break at work or use my roomie's computer. I miss you guys! Life is touch and go but for the most part i'm hangin' in. For tonight I'm going to curl up with my Mary Higgins Clark novel and sleep in my comfie new queen sized bed! hurray for big beds, i just upgraded and i loooove it! i get to stretch ooooouuuuutttt :D :D :D I am totally sleeping diagonally across the bed, so much fun. okay enough talk of that delicious bed ... i'm going to go get in it!

Ahhh big breaths! or not. you know spring is here when you smell skunk. yay *rolls eyes* but in all seriousness I'm unbelievably happy that warm weather is here. I strongly dislike being cold. And sandals? thank heavens. Any excuse to wear my birks and i'm happy. I've been crazily busy with work lately. It's like there has been a steady trend towards everyone quiting and we're so understaffed. But amazingly, I still feel fantastic. A bit of anxiety but absolutely no sign of depression or sadness or anything remotely not positive. Which makes me want to practically sing with joy. I still wish for a fairy tale to come wisk me away but ya know what? I feel like I'm halfway there. I'm going to make my own fairy tale gosh darn it and it will be fabulous. like me. *wink wink* Diligent Happiness as a certain wise lady says (Elizabeth Gilbert, go look her up). Big smiles all around people!

Today I hurt everywhere! Yesterday I went rock climbing and while I had a super amazingly fun time, today my whole body aches. And to top off that I had a full day of learning how to give thai massage. ow. would it be bad to take a bath in tiger balm? lol. harumph

I have only one thing to say today. It may be petty and small but I'm saying it anyway. And loudly too.

Damn you Robert Mugabe, damn you.

okay i'm done crying. so i'm not seeing the frenchman anymore. whatevs. can't change the facts of what is so you might as well roll with it. it didn't work out and that's life. there are plenty of good things happening. my classes have been going remarkably smooth lately (knock on wood). I am going to party this weekend and I don't care what anyone says I plan on getting wasted. I can't remember the last time I got drunk and you only turn 21 once (legal age here is 19 by the by). I got the absolute best birthday present ever. It's a beautiful Deep Red Epiphone Les Paul Special electric guitar!!! I'm freaking out! Cause it's so bloody fabulous.

I feel like an idiot. As I mentioned before I've started seeing this guy,we'll call him the Frenchman, and so far it's been going well. We were getting along famously. Or at least I thought so. We were both being good about talking openly (huge for me) and he had openly admitted to wanting to be with me. And that felt fabulous, we had great chemistry. Yes you are right I am writing in the past tense. Because now I'm not so sure. The Frenchman and I live a good distance (about 2 hours) away from each other and find it difficult to see one another as often as we'd like. I was starting to fall big time and then *snap* like a rubber band breaking reality comes whipping back. I haven't talked to him in a week and I feel as though he's avoiding me. Trust me my confidence is majorly foundering. I have this ache inside me that usually I barely feel, if at all. But lately this ache has been getting worse. The Frenchman made me realize the ache was still there. I thought maybe he could make that ache go away but now it seems like some cruel joke. The Universe wants me to remember that deeply rooted seed of want; wanting to be loved, and yet the Universe definitely doesn't want that ache to be mended. Or at least that's how it feels right now. It may all be silliness, he may just be busy or what have you. But right now I'm hurting. And I dislike hurting.

Spring has sprung ... and guess what that means......

1. i get to wear my rubber boots! :)
2. my birthday is soon
3.it's raining and there is mud (granted under like 5 feet of snow)
4.I can start thinking about parties and dresses and gardening
5.flowers and chai and the smell of wet grass


oh dear i've gotta stop i'm getting way ahead of myself. but soon people! soon!

Somewhere inside of me there is dam. It feels as though my thoughts are stunted. A wall has been built in my mind. I can see past, knowing beyond it are wondrous things I can only imagine. And yet. Oh and yet I can't get past it. My mind swirls with knowledge and opinions longing to be expressed. And yet. My words become jumbled and I can only look on helplessly as these strange phrases are digested. I want to mold my world as I would a block of clay. My mind's eye can see the outcome that my hands cannot create. Frustrated I know I must let go of everything in order to have success. And yet....

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

1.check! book is Beyond the Horizon by Colin Angus (it's about his journey to circumnavigate the globe using only human power)
2.okay done
3.From now on, I would pitch my tent almost every day to maximize my progress.
4.The discomfort of the extreme cold would be great, but that's why we had asked outdoor companies to sponsor us with their highest-quality cold-weather gear. Besides, only by sticking to a more steady schedule could we exit Russia before our visas expired. At seven the next morning, as the snow-blanketed land began to emit a diffuse glow, I said goodbye to my expedition colleagues and began my 4,000-kilomtre journey to Irkutsk.
5.tag yourself ... cus it's more fun that way. :)

ARIES (March 21-April 19): This is Celebrate Your Broken Heart Week, Aries. Even if your heart's not exactly shattered at the moment, it has no doubt been so at sometime in the past. So why celebrate? Because having a broken heart is one of the best things that can happen to you. It strengthens your humility, which makes you smarter. It demonstrates to you that you have a tremendous capacity for deep feelings -- far more than you're normally aware of. It breaks down defense mechanisms that have desensitized you to the world's secret beauty. It should also inspire you to treat other people's hearts with great care, making it more likely you'll be able to create intelligent intimacy in the future. Here's what I conclude: A broken heart is a gift the world gives you to awaken you to the truth about what matters to you most.

That one certainly hits close to home. It puls up those little heart pangs; the ones I'm too afraid to let out. Because I'm scared noone will be there to catch me. But buck-up bhavana! you can catch yourself! Maybe if I say it loud enough it will start to be true? But in all seriouslness it makes a very good point. There is beauty in everything and boy have I ever learned alot about myself lately. *sings annoyingly yet still cutely* keep on swimming, keep on swimming. tehe

Life is a funny thing. In my class tonight I was trying to teach connection. By using your breath and dropping down into your physical body you can connect to who you are as a being/person. In my classes I want so much for my students to 'get it.' To really understand things about themselves and have those 'aha' moments. But I just can't make them understand. I have to start actively 'offering' my teachings. If the students are ready for those teachings then they'll get there. If they aren't ready in their own personal journey to receive the information i'm providing then that is just what it is. Letting go is so hard for me. It's not my journey, it's theirs let them do it theirselves. I just want to do it all for other people and ignore my own shit. Yet at the same time I really want respect from my peers/'superiors'. Today has been a rollercoaster. Feeling good and confident in my abilities, learning from the mentoring oportunities i have at work. But on the other hand being really frustrated in my interpersonal relationships with my boss and some of my friends. Sigh! It's just been one of those days I tell ya!

(but that date went so well that i had another on sunday ... so pray this one isn't crazy. lol)

I'm so bad at post titles......

Thursday was fantastic. I had a date and I think I can honestly say it was the best I've been on. He was sweet and attentive but not to the point where I felt uncomfortable. We met at 3:30 and I didn't get home until 1am. And the best part was that we literally spent that entire time talking. He was very intelligent and articulate (not even counting he's a french native speaker). I've had butterflies thinking about him all day and I mean really that's the best measure of a date ... or so i think. Plus when I checked my email at work this morning he had emailed me to say he had a great time. So I think it was pretty mutual. yay. finally someone to be excited about. I'll keep y'all updated.

Well now ... Miss Deb over at Red Show Ramblings always has the most fantastic ideas and memes. I particularly like this one. The would be Oscars. Basically choose a dress, accessories, date etc. that you would wear to the Oscars .. if you could wear anything. It would fit you and look fabulous no matter your body type, colouring, and all that jazz. So here goes....

That would be the dress ... just picture it in antique cream and completely lace, minus the strange swag across the torso and of course keeping the lovely black ribbon. Damn near impossible to find a photo of but this comes close enough.The shoes! enough said i think.
And of course these lovely Deco teardrop earrings.

Devendra Banhart would obviously be my handsome date *sigh*

And of course I'd wear something flowy and bohemian for the after parties. Something completely inappropriate to wear to an Oscars party and it would be fabulous! something maybe like this ....

Now that was fun *grins*

Oh I feel good people! I've been able to shrug off the funk. to M i say f you bitch. I'm my own damn person and i'll be damned if you are going to scare me out of living my life. So on that front everything is fine now. The police helped me sort stuff out and I'm ready to roll. Work was busy but fun. Everybody was in a good mood today, regaling each other with stories of drunken debauchery and David hasselhof youtube videos. Tomorrow is a full day but i'm surprisingly not dreading a saturday shift as much as usual. We'll see how it goes.

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, shell tell you shes an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright

(chorus)
Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

She dont know no lover,
None that I ever seen
Yes, to her that aint nothing
But to me, yeah me,
Its everything

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
Oh yeah, theres a smile when the pain comes,
The pains gonna make everything alright, alright yeah

(chorus)

-The Black Crows
This song has been in my head lately. It speaks to my lonliness, why or how i have no clue. it just does. I guess today I feel like her. It sounds so beautiful. And I suppose that it makes sense considering some of my views. There is a line in the Mist of Avalon that goes approximately thus: the goddess is in everything; everything beautiful and harrowing. But my heart takes it a step further. There is beauty in everything. Sometimes the harrowing is beauty itself. And I think that that's what I want .... my harrowing beauty to be recognized.

I don't even believe in Hell yet if there was one this would be it. I haven't been writing much lately, it's been too hard. Last Monday my grandmother passed away. She was 92, the matriarch of our huge family, and very loved. So I have been immensely sad. I was too afraid to put 'pen to paper' as I was afraid that it would make it more real. But I'm accepting it. Now that all the family stuff to be dealt with is well and truly over I can let it sink in. It was her time and I'm actually happy for her. Though it still royally sucks.

Because of my grandmother I had the week off to do the usual funeral stuff. Getting back to work on Sat. and today was rough. Everyone is super supportive but apparently they can't function for shit without me. So it's been very busy, and I have a list of stuff to do tomorrow. Oy.

I've been dealing though.

until....

I get this unbelievable email from a friend of my ex-boyfriend. Now please keep in mind we dated for 4 months only and have been broken up for about 1 month. It's been pretty rough on him apparently. And I admit I didn't handle things the way I should have but all told just saying that you don't know if you love someone and then breaking up with them isn't that bad. He returned gifts I gave him, random things he bought when I was around, basically everything. He has told me that I have destroyed him, he can never love again, and that he's failing university because of me. But this email takes the cake. She said, and I quote "He wants to kill himself and it will be your fault if he does, dont let him do this." (I corrected spelling and grammar so I guess it's not a direct quote)

WHAT THE FUCK!???!!!!!

Can you say emotional blackmail? How does 'he hates you' and 'he wants you back' correlate at all?! I refuse to take that, it's not mine, I will not carry that. Nothing anybody does is because of you, it's because of their own reality. NOw I just have to belive that emotionally. good luck me. fuck! and i was so excited for the Lyle Lovett concert tomorrow. AAAHHH!!!

i'm getting sick. i woke up this morning with an unbelievably sore throat. and charged into action. vit c, echinecea, jal neti, and extra fibre. for any person curious if you dilute prune juice with water and hold your nose you can conceivably get it down. but as the day progressed i've felt worse and worse. after teaching my class my voice is barely above a whisper. i'm so not looking forward to tomorrow. it is my day off but i still have things to do. first day off in 6 days and i was so excited. but now? blech. and i can't sleep right now so that isn't great either. hopefully i can nip this in the bud .. it took my co-worker for a loop. fingers crossed people!

Well I spent most of today at work doing a course. It's called The Fundamentals of Energy Healing. It was very good. It was theory of energy healing and philosophy that can be applied to yoga, thai massage, and ayurveda. I was taking it towards my 200 hour certification in Thai Massage. It was amazing. I learnt so much about myself. And ways to deepen my teaching of yoga and better facilitate the healing of others. It took alot out of me though. I feel so very open and susceptible to other's energies. I need to ground myself but am finding it hard. So when I got home and opened an email from the friend of my very infantile ex stating that he wants to talk to me I freaked. Am freaking. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I do not want to deal with this shit anymore. I am so over him and so wanted to be done with the stress he adds to my life. I don't know what to do. So it went incredibly inspiring and growth filled to really fucking shitty. men suck ... and so does my attitude and i don't fucking care.

For today's thursday Music-a-thon (see see I'm actually posting again!) I choose Pantera. Mostly because I've been reading the March issue of Guitar World Magazine and it's devoted to Dimebag Darrell in anniversary of his death 3 years ago. Dime was one lucky man ... amazing talent. great success. and a woman who loved him. Rita (Dime's girlfriend of 20 yrs.) was on LA Ink recently to get a tattoo in memory of Darrell.

Pantera was a pretty sweet Metal band. In the tradition of true metal bands. With a very riff heavy sounds reminiscent of Van Halen but much harder and grittier. Now in general I don't listen to much metal. I'm mostly a folk rock kinda gal. But for truth I listen to pretty much everything it just all depends on my mood. And metal is so very cathartic. So if you've never given Pantera a chance do so and if you have well rock on!

I feel good today but have got no inspiration for a lengthly post. So i shall leave you with come link-ly love. I know Deb (red shoe ramblings) will get a kick out of them when she gets back.

Because I'm newly single and I do so love a bearded man (lumberjacks? oh yay)

www.myspace.com/beardsforpeace

www.myspace.com/womenforbeards

enjoy!

Interstitial fluid is a solution which bathes and surrounds the cells of multicellular animals. It is the main component of the extracellular fluid, which also includes plasma and transcellular fluid.
On average, a person has about 11 litres (2.4 imperial gallons) of interstitial fluid providing the cells of the body with nutrients and a means of waste removal. (from wikipedia)

I believe I have stated before how much I love Google. Well I'll say it again. I LOVE Google!! I could not for the life of me remember what the difference between interstitial fluid and extracellular was. There was a big discussion at work and it was decided that I would go search google for the answer. well surprise they're the exact same thing! grrr. All this because I'm reading the text book Anatomy and Physiology for Midwives for fun. It's actually an awesome book. All full of uteruses (uteri?) and placenta and cellular functions. woo hoo! okay so I'm a dork .... no telling!

I have finally joined the rest of the world. Today I got a cell phone. It's purple (one of my favourite colours) and white. very sleek. it's insane what they can put in these things now. It is a cell, and mp3 player, and a camera. woo hoo. now i'm contactible during my hour bus commute to work. yay! i'm so excited .. granted now i have more bills. but still i'm having fun with it.

I let him in. I happily gave him the amunition. I gave him the power to hurt me. i practically told him what words would hurt the most. not again. screw it. i was meant to be a spinster, a maid in a garrett. i can not imagine ever letting another person that close to my heart ever again. how can one person be so cruel and spiteful to another? i don't understand why people lash out at others in their moments of pain. that's when we should be best at loving another, at being kind because we know the pain.

well fuck him. i take it back. you don't have the power to hurt me anymore. i am me. and you can't touch me. my heart is safe, even if that does mean locked away. you are no longer able to hurt me. i wont let you anymore. bastard.

that's right abagah! life is a crap shoot. and it sucks. and i hate hip hop clubs and the fact that ottawa only has hip hop clubs. maybe i should hit up the gay bars .... hmmm. anyway. and i don't want to work tomorrow. i don't like having to be the emotional rock for others while i'm in the midst of a hurricane. i'm pissy and i hate life and that's just how i god damn feel. also i hate men .. specifically one certain man who wont leave me the fuck alone. can you tell i'm not in a good mood. i know hate is a four letter word ... i try to not use it but sometimes you just need to let it out. i can't be perfect all the time.*sigh* i'll meditate and be fine by tomorrow i just needed to get that out.

I feel the need for some healing. some deeply rooted, whole being healing. and i get the feeling that i'm not alone. so here is the healing mantra that I learned from my teacher Chetana Panwar:

Om triambakam yajamahai
sugandeem pushti vardinan
urvarukamiva bandhinan
mrityor mokshya mamritat

ॐ त्रिंबकम याजमहाई
सुगंदीम पुष्टि वर्दिनन
उर्वरुकमिवा बंधिनन
मृत्योर मोक्ष्य माम्रितात

I'm gonna do 2 posts for today ... can you believe it?! with the amount I've been blogging lately it truly is shocking. with regards to yesterday .. ugh is all i can say right now. first of all I want to thank Brendan over at www.countmeoutblog.blogspot.com for reinspiring my music posts. With teaching thursday night until 9 I just haven't felt the desire. But NOW I have something totally cool I can tell you all. I'm going to see Lyle Lovett and John Hiat in concert. February 12 my friends. I'm soooo happy. yipee! I love Lyle. Don't ask me why but I just do. "Any old town that I rambled all around, there's more pretty girls than one" I just love that song. So if you haven't before go listen to Lyle Lovett's CD 'It's not big it's large'

I am so confused right now. M and I have been at odds for a couple of weeks now and I feel done. I'm done I don't want to fight with him anymore. He doesn't want to fix any of our problems. He thinks saying 'i love you' will fix everything. He lives in this fantasy world where I'm the perfect woman and we have the perfect relationship. Well surprise buddy we don't and I'm certainly not. All we ever do is sit around and watch tv or movies. And he doesn't listen when I say I want to do more, talk about important things, have a real relationship. He thinks I'm attacking him. I'm so frustrated. Then during our fight he pulls out this little gem 'But I love you, I've been saving up the past two months for an engagement ring' This is supposed to make me feel better!? Emotional Blackmail is what I call it. You don't tell someone you've only been dating for 4 months and who you haven't slept with that you want to get married. It's as if he thinks that if he tells me he loves me enough then I wont leave. But it just makes me more mad.

But my friends keep second guessing me. People who I thought knew me so well ask if I'm making the right decision in breaking up with him. And now I don't know. Just because he's nice and will be hurt doesn't mean I should stay with him. But I feel like they think I should stay (if not necessarily for that reason). But I just feel so done with it. Ahhhh why does this have to be so damn shitty?

It's been pretty crazy over here in bhavana-land. Christmas was very busy. I ended up working quite a bit. Including Christmas Eve, which i was not exactly pleased with. M had gone to visit his parents for a few days so the xmas holidays were spent bouncing around between family's houses. It was lovely. I absolutely love spending time with family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins .. they all come out at Christmas time. Then of course it was right back to work.

New Years was of course fast approaching and boy did I ever have plans. I very rarely celebrate New Years, I'm usually too tired or have work. But this year M & I plus a whole bunch of friends planned a trip to Mt.Tremblant, a very popular ski destination in Quebec. We left right after work on New Years Eve and spent a wonderful night in the most gorgeous ski resort/village. It was a strangely old world meets the stepford wives feel. It is beautiful but the entire town in completely fabricated. It isn't so much an actual town as a resort built on the plan of a old renaissance town. We had an amazing time and I would definitely visit again .. but not for very long.

So it's back to work and time to look forward. Life can feel daunting sometimes. Like for instance tomorrow, i have to talk to my boss about some unsafe working conditions. Leaving my yoga class thursday nights and being the only staff member around to close up at 9 is just not safe. And I feel very uncomfortable about it. So that's my big 'must do' for tomorrow. Crossing fingers that it will go smoothly.

Well it's off to bed for me ladies and gents .. hope you all had a happy new year!